Regaining Life
by Hilary Weston
Summary: Susan's story. COMPLETE. Sequel to 'Rediscovering Marcus'. PART 10 IS HERE!
1. Part 1

Greetings once again. This story is a follow up to 'Rediscovering Marcus', and I strongly recommend that you read that one first. I don't know how many parts this will be because some of my stories have a habit of running away with themselves. Anyway, read, enjoy, and send me any comments; I like getting emails. Hi to Betsy, Claire, Rachel and Red Wulf. Thanks for the input.

Please visit my webpage that is dedicated to the book I've written, and am attempting to get published. It is at,**www.geocities.com/elenopa/**

Disclaimer: B5 and associated characters all belong to JMS (All hail to the Great Maker), WB, TNT, etc. I'm just playing in your universe for a while. I don't mean to step on the flowers.

Spoilers: Call to Arms, and River of Souls. Just in case there is someone who hasn't seen all five seasons, spoilers for Endgame and Sleeping in Light.

Abstract: What happened to Susan Ivanova after she left B5. Set in 2286 with flashback to 2266.

**Regaining Life**

**By**

**Hilary Weston**

**Part 1.**

"…And the Lilac fairy made the whole castle fall into a deep sleep. Around the castle, cutting it off from the outside world, a forest of thorns grew. There the princess remained, sleeping peacefully for a hundred years."

"Just like Grandpa Marcus." William interrupted the story.

"In a way, yes."

"Will a princess wake him with a kiss?" Sofie asked, determined to have her say.

"Maybe, one day."

Susan settled the two children back onto her bed and continued the story of 'Sleeping Beauty'. If anyone had asked her when she had first become leader of the Rangers, what she thought she would be doing five years later, the last thing she would have said was reading bedtime stories to her grandchildren. Then again, if anyone had asked her twenty five years ago if she would one day lead the Rangers, she would have said no.

Yet here she was, and strangely, although she would not have chosen this path for herself initially, she was happy. As happy as she could ever be. Susan was the first to admit that she had not had the smoothest of lives; loosing her mother when she was just a girl, then Ganya during the war, and the long years of discord between her Father and herself. It was no wonder that she had grown a thick skin to survive.

After living with the Minbari for five years, Susan had begun to evaluate her earlier life. She now wondered if her actions had been as much about hiding as surviving, although the two were sometimes the same thing. Some of the earliest memories she had were of her Mother telling her to not tell anyone about her telepathic abilities. To hide them, she had moved homes and schools more times than she could remember, which meant that she never had many friends and so was often lonely. In her stubborn Russian way, she would tell herself that she didn't need friends, and so isolated herself more.

It was hard to tell from the distance of almost four decades, if she had joined Earthforce as a defiant act against her Father, or to hide. Having suffered the loss of someone so dear to her once already in her young life, the death of Ganya would have torn her heart out if she had let it. Instead, she buried her feelings and immersed herself in the military. There, the individual was squeezed out, creating a faceless number in the ranks. She could forget about her past because no one else was interested. She gained the respect of her comrades from what she did, not who she was. Soon, a new Susan Ivanova was born; dedicated, efficient, loyal, ruthless, respected and cold. The perfect soldier, smothering her emotions so well that she picked up the nickname 'Ice Maiden.'

Once, she had lowered her guard, for Malcolm. But the promotion to Io was offered and the lure of the safe predictable career path won over the uncertainty of a relationship. Susan may have said then that she was career orientated, but she had at the time been terrified of Malcolm leaving her, so she left him first.

Year after predictable year, she rose in the ranks. Dutifully obeying orders, not having to make decisions about her future, because they were made for her. She didn't care where she was posted, because she had no ties to bind her. Then she was posted to Babylon 5.

Maybe it was having to work so closely with civilians and aliens that gave her back her life. Immersed in a world full of other cultures and people doing everyday ordinary things instead of drills and exercises, the ice began to melt. One day she had looked around her and realised that, without noticing, she had a circle of friends. People that she cared for, and that cared for her back. Michael, Jeff, John, Stephen, Delenn, Talia…..

That had been a low point with Talia, and though her defences went back up, for the first time in her life she didn't run away and hide. Although the Ivanova curse was holding, and someone that she loved had left her, she did not have to cope with it alone. She had friends that she didn't want to leave, and a place that she considered home.

At the same time, Marcus had arrived in her life. Popping up in the middle of the Shadow war, she had had little time to think of him as more than an annoyance, undisciplined and uncontrollable. It was only because she needed him as a translator that she tolerated him on the Whitestar with her. In just a short time though he had proved himself capable and trustworthy, even if some of his methods were a little unorthodox.

And he made her laugh.

That was one of the wonderful things about Marcus. When she was angry at him, he didn't shout back, because he understood that her anger was a defence mechanism. Instead, he found a way to cheer her up. No one had ever done that for her. She still smiled at the thought of his picture chart of the command structure of Babylon 5. When he had presented it, she had wondered if she had found a kindred spirit. Theirs was a strange friendship as they spent most of their time together discussing tactics on the bridge of the Whitestar rather than socially, but Susan found herself enjoying Marcus' company. What would have previously been tedious missions she began to look forward to. At a time when it was hard to know who to trust, she trusted Marcus implicitly, voicing concerns and discussing problems with him, knowing that he would not repeat them to anyone else.

As friendly as she was, Susan was still, in a sense, hiding. She knew that Marcus liked her. Only an idiot would miss the way he acted towards her, but she still kept him at arms length. She had been hurt too many times in her life and was determined to not let it happen again. And so she hid her feelings, convincing herself that she was not interested, and hoping that Marcus would give up trying to woo her.

Susan still cursed herself for being a coward to her feelings. If only she had not tried to scare Marcus off, then perhaps he would have declared his love for her earlier. If only they had had a relationship, maybe he wouldn't have proceeded with his desperate plan to save her life at the cost of his own. If only he was alive now instead of her. He should have been the one reading bedtime stories to his grandchildren.

If only. She knew that it was useless to try and discover what had gone wrong with the past. It was gone and she just had to accept it, but she still wished things had gone differently. Then again, if she had done things differently the outcome might still have been the same. Marcus might still have carried out his big heroic act, but at least there wouldn't have been regrets. She still had the regrets. The guilt she had dealt with long ago, but she regretted the wasted opportunities, with Marcus, and among others, her first crew.

She had dreamed of having her own ship to command ever since she had joined Eathforce, but when she was promoted to Captain and offered the _EAS Titans, she had not accepted it with great enthusiasm. The year long shakedown along the Rim had just been another excuse for her to run away and hide. It was hard to shake old habits, but this time there had been a difference. She hadn't run away because everyone had left her, but because she had too many friends that cared. Susan knew that if she had stayed on B5, everyone would have been incredibly supportive but also very sympathetic telling her how sorry they were and treating her as if she was going to fall apart at any moment. Delenn would have said something philosophical about the soul, John would have tried to empathise with her because of Anna, and Corwin and the others in C&C would have looked upon her with sorrow. She would have hated it and within a week would have been tearing everyone apart, limb from limb._

And they would have wanted her to talk about it, as if that could have made her feel better about what had happened or help her understand. How could anyone understand what it felt like to have someone give their whole life force to you. She didn't understand it. She didn't know what to feel; pain, gratitude, anger? She felt nothing.

She had vented her grief with Stephen and needed to move on, but no one would have let her, so she left. On the _Titans no one knew about Marcus, so Susan could pretend that nothing had ever happened. She had cut herself off completely from her past, from everyone she knew, in an attempt to forget about it._

The next five years were a wasted void. Susan had hidden from herself behind the role of Captain Ivanova, but she only succeeded in hurting herself and her crew. She denied her past, but had no future ahead that she could envisage, so the present ceased to have meaning for her. She threw herself into the role of Captain one hundred percent, carrying out the duties that metered her day, issuing orders and assigning tasks, but she did it automatically. Susan gained a new nickname because of the way she acted; the Robot. Pre-programmed to carry out the tasks exactly. That is what she did, without emotion or feeling, unless it was anger. Her temper was soon well known among the crew, and a single look would send the lower ranks running for cover. No one disobeyed her, although it was because she was feared rather than respected.

Each new day on the _Titans became the same as the one before it; predictable, safe, routine. They blurred together as weeks became months. Susan didn't live; she existed._

******

2266

When the orders had come in for the _Titans to return for Earth for the celebrations of the fifth anniversary of the Interstellar Alliance, Susan at first thought that they had got the date wrong. Then she checked the calendar._

A week later, they were in orbit around Mars. Earth space was being kept clear for visiting alien dignitaries, so the red planet was being used as a shuttle point for any personnel that wished to visit relatives. Just about everybody had been granted leave, and the fleet was down to skeleton skeleton crews. Susan didn't like it, but no one was expecting trouble, and space had been pretty quiet lately. Susan didn't like quiet. It meant that there was nothing to do but think, and she had avoided thinking for five years.

When she walked onto the bridge just after breakfast in a deserted mess hall, she found a lone lieutenant checking the readings to ensure that the autopilot was working. He looked up at her entrance and after acknowledging her silent greeting of a nod, swallowed down his apprehension and spoke.

"Captain?"

"Yes lieutenant?" Susan didn't look up from the status reports that she had begun to read, and so did not see the young officer sweating and shaking with what bordered on terror.

"I noticed that you had not yet arranged any accommodation for planet leave Captain." He began to broach the subject.

"I do not take planet leave. I have seen Mars."

"But….."

As the lieutenant faltered, Susan turned her gaze on him.

"What?"

The lieutenant shrank back. Susan knew there was bad news coming. Damn! It had been far too quiet.

"Well?" She snapped, "Spit it out. The sooner you tell me; the sooner I can begin skinning the person who is idiotic enough to annoy me."

"Th..the orders came through j..just this morning."

Susan crossed her arms as she waited.

"Th…the _Titans is scheduled for a refit, and n…now seemed the best time as most of the crew is on leave."_

Susan lifted one eyebrow. Here it comes.

"Any remaining crew have been ordered d..down to the planet, t..to facilitate speedy completion by the c..contractors." The lieutenant hurriedly finished while he could.

"Including me?" Susan asked, already knowing the answer. The lieutenant just nodded and shrank further back in an attempt to not be noticed.

Susan began to pace the bridge, sparks almost visibly flying from her.

"This is just great! Not only am I dragged all the way back to Earth space to just sit around doing nothing; but now I am being booted off my own ship so that my quarters can be repainted in the same shade of grey! Garibaldi put you up to this. Didn't he?" She swung around at the lieutenant but he desperately shook his head. "Have Earthdome got nothing better to do than keep butting into my life? I was quite happy just cruising along out on the Rim. But no, that's not good enough. I've got to attend the celebrations, and play the war hero, and pretend that any of it means a damn to me!"

As the last sentence echoed around the empty bridge, Susan took a frustrated breath and looked upwards.

"You just don't get tired of it do you?"

With a sigh of resignation, she returned her attention to the cowering officer.

"I suppose I had better go pack my belongings. Book me into a hotel for the next few days."

"I…I've already done it." The lieutenant handed Susan a flimsy. She took it without a glance and began to head off the bridge, muttering as she went.

"I suppose I could read 'Crime and Punishment'. It would use up the time; and it might even cheer me up."

"Why don't you visit your family?" the lieutenant suggested, feeling bolder now that it seemed that he was not going to be torn to pieces. He only just caught the captain's answer.

"I have no family any more."

It didn't take Susan very long to pack, basically because she had nothing to pack. All that she had brought from Babylon 5 with her was one bag of clothes and one box of belongings. Everything else had been sent back to her Uncle Yossel on Earth. The practical reason for this was that her quarters on the _Titans were only a fraction of the size of the ones she had lived in for four years. In reality, she had packed away her former life in those boxes, sealing the lid on all that had happened, and everyone that she knew. She was the Captain of a ship now, and nothing else. The only clothes that hung in her wardrobe were uniforms; the only items on her desk were official reports. There was not a personal item to be seen._

Susan had packed away her reports and was sorting through the clothes that she had not worn for five years, deciding which ones to take, when her link chimed.

"Ivanova. Go."

"The shuttle is standing by for you Captain." It was the lieutenant.

"I'll be there in five minutes."

She severed the link and haphazardly bundled the pile of clothes into her bag. There would be time to sort through them later. After grabbing the few items that dwelt in her minuscule bathroom, she walked rapidly out of her quarters. It wasn't that she was in a hurry to get away, but that she was irritated. A simmering anger that she was being forced to do something that she didn't want to, and there was nothing she could do about it. There was no one responsible within reach that she could squarely shoot between the eyes with a ppg; or batter senseless, which might have relieved some of her stress.

As it was, all she could do was walk rapidly, her footfalls drumming out her irritation into the floor of the corridor. It didn't seem to help much, but standing still would have been worse. She reached the shuttle and strapped herself into her seat. The pilot had taken one look at her face and decided that today was not the day in which to try and start a casual conversation with the Captain.

The trip to the surface was bumpy, short and silent.

When Susan left the shuttle, she first noticed how disconcerting the lower gravity was; just when she didn't want a spring in her step. The second thing she noticed was the bustle. There were people everywhere! Business people rapidly walking in all directions across the concourse of the Mars spaceport; families waiting at the arrivals gate, searching among the incoming passengers for visiting relatives; aliens from almost all the worlds of the Alliance; and mixed in quite liberally were the blues and greys of Eathforce officers.

The Earthforce uniforms Susan had expected, but not quite in the concentration she saw. Was every ship being refurbished? She looked upwards at the dome of the spaceport and stared out beyond it into the Martian night. How many of their ships were orbiting on autopilot, with the minimum of crew? The image that thought brought to her mind made her uneasy. She tried to tell herself that it was her Russian pessimism, but she had faced death too many times to ignore her instincts.

Right now, her instincts were telling her to get out. There were just too many people and she felt hemmed in. Space may be tight on the _Titans, but there the crew always made a clear path for her. Here, she was having to fight her way through the crowd just to reach customs. More than once she had to hold in a reprimand as she was jostled by someone too intent on catching their flight to look where they were going, or tripped up by an unsupervised child._

"Civilians." Was the only curse she allowed herself to mutter. Eventually, she reached the customs and was waved through with just a cursory scan of her ID. Susan's comment on planetary security was never vocalized though.

The concourse had been chaotic, but the area leading to the transport tubes was heaving with bodies. Susan took a deep breath, shouldered her bag and plunged into the melee.

Two hours later, she was shown into her hotel room. Dropping her bag, she flopped onto the bed and waited for some of the tension to leave her body. Standing up on a crowded tube car was not conducive to good health. After about five minutes, her muscles started to ease and Susan felt it was safe to explore where she would be staying for the next week.

The room was basic by hotel standards, but after five years in a ship's cabin, it seemed luxurious. A double bed with a soft mattress and thick duvet, carpet, a window, colours other than grey. Most of this though was immediately forgotten when Susan looked into the bathroom. She had a shower and a hot tub, WITH REAL WATER!

When John had first arrived at Babylon 5, he had asked if the shower had real water. Susan had laughed at him then, but now she felt exactly the same way. A vibe shower would get you clean, but there was something about the feel of the small jets of water on the skin, and the rhythmic, thrumming sound, that was inherently relaxing. Besides, she had never been happy with the way her hair had felt after a vibe shower. She seemed to constantly have bad hair days, which didn't help her temper. It was no wonder that she had cut it short after only a month in space.

Susan didn't have to think about what she was going to do next. She turned the taps on full and stripped off. Emptying a whole bottle of bubble bath into the tub, she sank down into the water with a sigh that bordered on ecstasy. Planet leave was beginning to look better.

The soak would have lasted for hours if Susan's stomach had not reminded her that lunch had been non-existent. Reluctantly, she got out and wrapped herself in a towel before going into the main room to sort out something to wear. She began pulling the rumpled clothes from her bag as her mind wandered to the options she would be offered by the hotel menu. If she was going to be stuck here, she was going to get as much out of it that she could. Earthdome were picking up the bill after all.

Perhaps she would start with a pate, then a juicy steak followed by the most fattening dessert she could find. She hoped to God they had real coffee here. It had been so long since she had eaten anything that wasn't tinned or dried that she had begun to forget what real food tasted like.

Lost to the wonders of food, Susan did not notice that as she shook out one of her tops, a small object fell from its folds. Only when it hit the floor with a heavy thump, did she look down. She bent to pick it up, but her hand froze an inch away from the object as recognition struck. Her blood ran cold with the chill of death as, unbidden, images arose in her mind of the last time she had looked upon that green stone flanked by two figures.

Medlab. Brought back from the brink of death. She had looked down to see his hand clasping hers; cold. She could barely turn her head to see him, lying so that their faces almost touched. He was still, the life sucked out of him. The only colour came from the light reflecting off his Ranger pin. She tried to move, but couldn't; tried to scream, but no sound came from her throat…..

Susan's whole body jerked backwards as if struck by an electric shock. She scrambled away and fell off the bed. She did not notice the pain as she continued to push herself into a corner, as far from the pin as she could get. What was it doing here? She didn't remember taking it, but she must have. She had to get out; now. Away from this room; away from the pin; away from him. For five years she had buried her past. She could not afford to remember now.

Susan fought down the fear that threatened to overwhelm her. It was irrational. It was only a pin, but the danger was from what it represented.

With a deep breath, she stood up. It was an effort to keep her eyes from wandering to the pin on the floor, but she managed it. She grabbed the items of clothing that were nearest to her, weather they matched or not, scrambled into them and left the room.

She cursed as she ran out of the hotel. She knew she should never have left her ship.


	2. Part 2

**Part 2.**

Stephen was amazed that, with all the advancements of the human race, cellblocks were still the most inhuman places ever created. He walked down an echoing grey corridor past locked cubicles that held little more than a hard bunk. At this moment in time, they were all occupied by a sorry looking lot of ruffians who were sleeping off hangovers, or nursing injuries, or both. Stephen dragged his attention back to the security officer who was guiding him.

"I'm surprised to see someone as important as you doing 'patch up' duty." He was saying.

Stephen sighed inwardly. He usually got this reaction, but it still disappointed him.

"It is fascinating work studying alien biologies," He explained, "But research is only serving the future. I am a doctor now, and want to heal people that are hurt now. I volunteer three or four times a year in A&E, or refugee centres, or prisons."

"Do you deliberately pick the worst spots?"

"That's were I'm needed the most." Stephen answered, "Plus I meet some very interesting people."

"Well, we've got one for you. A real wild creature; caused all the other injuries here and pretty much destroyed the bar."

"Your normal Saturday night?"

The officer gave a quick laugh, "We were expecting some rowdiness around Independence Day, but this is way beyond anything I've experienced."

"You've never had a trashed bar before?"

"Not by a single woman."

They stopped outside the last cell in the corridor. A guard, the only one Stephen had seen since entering the cellblock, stepped back so that the doctor could look through the window in the door. Crouched on the floor and being violently sick into the toilet was a thin woman with short-cropped dark hair. Stephen couldn't see her face properly, but she didn't seem to be injured beyond a few minor cuts and bruises.

"No one knows what she was doing there," The officer continued the story, "The bar is right in the middle of the sector of Marsdome that we tell tourists to stay well away from. The owner says that she walked in and ordered a bottle of vodka, then just sat at the bar and drank, as if she was in a world of her own. She was starting on her second bottle when one of the local goons tried to pick her up. Apparently she told him, less than politely, to go away and when he didn't take the hint, she floored him. Well, his friends then got involved and by the time we got there, she had knocked out half the room and broken almost every piece of furniture that wasn't nailed to the floor. She took out two of my guys before we could get her out of there."

"She doesn't seem to be hurt." Stephen observed, "What do you want me to do?"

"To do what she did; we reckon she had to be on something. Could you run some tests and find out what? Plus, she refuses to tell us who she is, and she isn't carrying any ID, so we need some DNA to run a match."

"Haven't you got someone that can do that?"

The officer shuffled uncomfortably, "No one wants to go in there with her."

Stephen swallowed nervously. There were not many people that could intimidate a whole squad of security personnel. For the first time, he wondered why he volunteered to do these things when he could stay in his comfy office. Still, there was no way he was going to back out now.

He prepared a hypo of sedative as a back up, and nodded to the guard to open the door. Uncomfortably aware that he was beginning to sweat, he stepped into the cell. The stench of vomit hit him as the woman continued to retch into the toilet bowl, oblivious to his presence. Her whole body heaved as her stomach tried to expel its contents. Everything had been brought up long before, but the woman's stomach did not believe it. Stephen cringed as she began another convulsion. It sounded like she was going to cough up her own lungs. Stephen's fear dissipated as his compassion took over. He had never been able to distance himself from anyone that was suffering, no matter who they were. He was a doctor; a healer first and foremost. Discovering identities came a long way after.

He knelt beside the woman and gently cupped her face in his hands. It was haggard, pale and drawn with bloodshot eyes and a tattoo of bruises. Contorted as it was, it was a few seconds before Stephen recognised his old friend.

Susan!

At the touch of his hands, she turned her gaze towards him. Her eyes widened in surprise at seeing him there. Then there was a fleeting moment of panic, which was almost instantly replaced with a look of resignation as if she did not care what happened to her anymore.

"I should have expected you Stephen," She managed to say, her voice little more than a rough whisper. "Typical Russian luck."

Susan pulled away to retch once more. Stephen cleared his head of all the questions that had crowded in with the shock of seeing Susan, and thought quickly. He had to get her out of there, before anyone found out who she was. She could lose her ship because of this. For Susan to have done something this reckless, there must have been some big time problems. He could only remember one other time that she had caused a riot, and that was over a telepath, so it was safe to assume that whatever had sent her over the edge this time was just as serious. Stephen knew Susan, and there was little that she couldn't cope with.

Stephen also knew that Susan was one of the last people to admit that she needed help, so he wanted to get her somewhere private where he could take his time over getting to the root of the problem.

"Officer." Stephen spoke in his most professional tone as he turned back towards the door; "I want you to release this woman into my custody." He continued before he could be interrupted, "Her name is Ruth Blackett and has been a patient of mine for a number of years. I cannot tell you the details, but at this time she is not responsible for her actions and so cannot be held accountable."

The officer listened open mouthed before setting his jaw.

"Doctor Franklin," he began, "She's not going anywhere. I have her down for fifteen charges of GBH and about a thousand credits worth of criminal damage."

"I shall personally pay for the damage, and any compensation and fine that you wish to apply; but she is leaving with me. As for the charges, I know my medical law and I can supply evidence that will get her out of any court on Mars."

It was Stephen's turn to set his jaw. For a few seconds, the two men faced each other, waiting to see which would be the first to back down. It was Susan that decided the matter. She gave a groaning cough and attempted to stand before collapsing back to the floor. Stephen saw the officer glance worryingly in her direction. The fear of what she might do when she sobered up was so great that he would have accepted any story the doctor told him. If Stephen was willing to take her on, then good luck and good riddance.

"I need her details for my records." The officer said.

Stephen breathed in with relief. "Done. Now someone get me a blanket and arrange transport for us."

When they were left alone, Stephen knelt back down beside Susan. He prepared another hypo so that he could stabilise her condition long enough to get her to a hotel. He didn't want to take her to a hospital, but she looked very far gone. Eyes closed, shallow breathing. The only thing that was keeping her upright was the wall.

"Susan?" Stephen prayed for a response as he administered the shot, "Do you think you can walk?"

"No idea." Was the whispered reply. "Why the hell are you doing this?"

That surprised Stephen. Surely he didn't need to explain to her?

"You're my friend Susan."

"Save your skills for people who deserve it."

That got him angry.

"I don't doctor those people who deserve it. I doctor those who need it, weather they want it or not. Now are you going to stand, or do I have to carry you?"

Susan answered that with a weak shrug.

As it turned out, the muscle relaxant that Stephen had administered to stop Susan's convulsions had also rendered it impossible for her to stand, so she was carried, wrapped in a blanket. When they were in the transport, Stephen searched Susan's pockets. After all, the officer might well have been lying about her carrying no ID. That was not what he was looking for though, but something to tell him where she was staying. It may have been by reflex, but Susan had picked up her access card to her hotel room when she left, so Stephen took her back there.

Susan was asleep long before they arrived. Stephen tucked her into the bed, then, as it was probably the safest time to do it, gave her a thorough examination. The alcohol level in her blood was way over the limit, which didn't necessarily worry him, but the other readings did.

Stephen had noticed that she had lost weight. It was not uncommon for deep space crews with a diet of synthetics to suffer from loss of appetite, but Susan was bordering on malnutrition, lacking in so many vitamins and minerals that Stephen was amazed that she could function at all. He could well imagine that any decent meals that she had eaten were few and far between. It was obvious that she had not been looking after herself, and if she continued in the same way she would be seriously damaging her health. Deliberate or not, she was slowly starving herself to death.

Stephen could not think beyond that thought and numbly sat staring at his friend.

HIS FRIEND!!

He felt utterly undeserving of the title at that moment. If he was Susan's friend he wouldn't have stayed out of contact for five years. Five years in which she had become a shadow of her former self.

Stephen had found Marcus' pin on the floor and easily made the connection. He still felt the loss of his friend, even after five years. It was usually the craziest insignificant things that would affect him; little reminders that would wake the twist of grief that dwelt in the pit of his stomach. He had accepted the fact that it would probably never go away, and so had continued with the rest of his life. But what of Susan? She had left Babylon 5 saying that she needed space and time to think, and they had given her five years worth. Time enough for anyone to work through their issues, if they had wanted to. Perhaps he should have persuaded her to stay longer after it had happened, so that she was among friends who would have given her love and support. She would have been as angry as hell, but they might have got her to talk about it.

From her current situation, Stephen got the impression that she had run away from her problem, just as he had. He still shivered when he remembered meeting himself. He knew now that he had been wrong in trying to sort out his problems alone, but at the time it had seemed the only thing to do. What if Susan was feeling the same way, that no one could help her, and that she just had to do it all by herself? What had she decided was the solution? Pretend that none of it had ever happened? That he and the rest of her friends did not exist?

Stephen got the horrible feeling that he was right and that Susan had shut away everything for the past five years; denying herself the right to grieve. She was probably in one hell of an emotional mess.

Stephen sighed and rubbed his eyes. He could spend all night trying to think himself into Susan's head, and still not get it right. The best thing he could do was wait till morning. He had come to Mars to find her anyway, but not quite in these circumstances. Perhaps the message he had to deliver was just what she needed. If so, then it was only just in time. Perhaps nothing would be able to help Susan now.

Morning was slipping towards noon before Stephen heard Susan waking up. She groaned as she struggled into a sitting position, by which time Stephen was at her bedside with a glass of water and some pills. Susan looked at him.

"They're just salt tablets," He explained, "You're dehydrated and these will stop you getting cramp for one thing."

With a half-hearted glare, Susan knocked the pills to the back of her throat and took a long drink of the water. Stephen filled up her glass again, surprised that she had not argued with him.

"Keep drinking." He ordered, "Between the bottle of vodka you had and throwing up your last three meals, your fluids are way down on what they should be."

From the way Susan gulped down the next glass, Stephen guessed that she had needed little persuading. She poured herself a third, but instead of drinking it straight away, found her voice.

"What are you doing here Stephen? I thought you would be on Earth with the rest of the bigwigs."

"I should be, but I came looking for you."

She snorted, "It didn't take you long."

"More luck than anything else. Do you remember what happened?"

Susan shook her head as she took another drink. "After the first few glasses everything becomes a blur. I remember hitting some annoying people, then throwing up in a cold cell and seeing you. What was the damage?"

"Your usual."

That didn't seem to faze Susan one way or the other.

"The court-martial won't take long then." She stated with no emotion in her voice, as if the deed were already done. Stephen could feel his anger bubble up to mix with the worry that had been present since last night. Didn't she care what happened to her?

"You are not going to be booted out just yet." Stephen said, and in response to a raised eyebrow, explained. "No one knows that it was you. I gave them a false ID."

"Ruth Blackett."

"She's one of a number of fake IDs that I created when I ran the telepath underground railroad. She's still in the system, and with a little tweaking, she will become you."

"I suppose I ought to thank you."

"You can if you want." Stephen said. He automatically took a deep breath in preparation for what was to come next. "Susan, I'm your friend. We've been through too much together." Susan turned on her glare. She knew what was coming. "Whatever's wrong," Stephen continued, "You know that I will help you."

Susan put down her glass. "There's nothing wrong."

"We both know that that is a lie. I can help you, Susan. Let me help you."

She swung her legs off the bed, her gaze now unable to meet Stephen's. "I don't want to talk about it." And with that she strode into the bathroom and firmly shut the door.

She emerged half an hour later wrapped in a robe, having had a shower. Stephen had taken advantage of room service and had a table laid out with a very late breakfast. Susan didn't say a word but sat down in the offered chair. Stephen sat opposite, noticing that Susan was still not looking at him. He decided to turn on his doctor's charm and began chatting about the food.

"I suggest you start with orange juice," He began, "Assuming that is what this is. It costs more to get oranges sent out here than it was to get coffee on B5. Maybe they have a secret garden somewhere. Anyway, it will coat your stomach in case you are still feeling the effects of last night. After that, we have toast and marmalade. A nice dose of vitamin C to wake you up." Stephen prattled on. He almost hoped Susan would tell him to shut up, or toss him a few choice swear words. Anything to show him that the Ivanova spirit was still burning bright.

Nothing. She just sipped the orange juice and stared at the table.

Stephen decided that he had been wrong when he had described Susan as a shadow of her former self. There was no Ivanova left. What he was talking to was just a shell. Her spirit had died a long time ago and her body was just waiting to catch up.

Stephen refused to give up just yet. In a final attempt to get a reaction, he proudly announced the last dish on the breakfast table.

"And to finish, my personal favourite, and incredibly hard to find off Earth," He whipped the cover off the plate, "Bacon and eggs!"

Susan looked at the plate for slow seconds. Silence descended and the food gently steamed.

"I'm assuming that's the silence of amazed surprise and admiration." Stephen quipped.

Susan put own her glass and began to rise from the table. The last thing Stephen had expected.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm not hungry." Came the flat reply.

"After last night I don't believe that. And when was the last time you had bacon and eggs?"

Susan stopped, shock still, at that question. Her back was turned so Stephen couldn't see her face, but he could see that she had gripped the end of the bed as if for support, and judging from the whiteness of her knuckles she was fighting for control. Whether it was against anger or grief he was unable to tell. 

Why had she reacted this way? The breakfast was meant to cheer her up, not send her deeper into the pit of despair that she had flung herself. Stephen desperately wracked his memory for some reference to breakfast on B5. There had been something Michael had told him about; a joke that he had gleefully reported to anyone that knew Ivanova. No, not a joke; a surprise. A very exclusive breakfast had been delivered to her as a thank you.

The realisation of what he had done slammed into him like a starfury. How could he have been so stupid? If Susan was as grief stricken as he suspected, then offering her the same dish as Marcus had was the worst thing he could do.

"Oh God Susan, I'm sorry." He tried to explain, "I didn't realise." She still had her back to him, "Look, I miss Marcus too. I know what he meant to you."

"DON'T YOU DARE MENTION THAT NAME!" Susan screamed, as she whirled about to face him again. "I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR THAT MAN. THE BARSTARD WAS A COWARD."

Stephen was shocked speechless by this change in Susan. In a microsecond, she had turned from an Earthforce officer, angry but in control, into a possessed wild demon of a woman. Stephen ducked as Susan seized the nearest heavy object, an ashtray, and hurled it across the room. It hit the wall with enough force to shatter it and for the pieces to rebound onto the crouching man. He stayed down as more items were sent about the room followed by the anguished wail of Susan.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! NO MORE. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH." At this point she ran out of objects and started to attack the furniture, raining kicks and punches onto the bed, cupboards and doors. "I AM SICK OF HIM. OF YOU. OF EARTHFORCE. OF EVERYTHING. I WANT IT ALL TO STOP NOW!!"

The maelstrom that was Susan stopped in the middle of the room and let loose a scream. A howl of raw emotion releasing five years of pent up grief, frustration and rage. All the feelings that she had buried, festering until the point when she snapped.

The howl continued, a rising crescendo joined by the tattoo of Susan's feet drumming into the carpet. To Stephen, it felt like an eternity before, as suddenly as it started, Susan stopped. She collapsed to the floor, her arms wrapped around her head, crying. Heart wrenching sobs welling up from the depths of her soul, while her body continued shaking from the rage that had just engulfed it.

Stephen emerged from his shelter and approached Susan. What he had just witnessed, scared him more than anything else in his life, but it told him that there was still hope. If Susan could get that enraged, then she had not given up. Stephen needed to push his advantage at this opening and get her to talk.

What she needed immediately though was comfort. He approached his friend and sat next to her on the floor. Gently, he lifted her head and, as he had five years previously, gave her a pair of arms to fall into and a shoulder to cry on. As he gently rocked Susan back and forth, a part of Stephen's brain noted that it was the second time that that particular shirt had become tearstained.

Soon, Susan's tears subsided to the point where she could hold a conversation in between the sobs. Stephen took a deep breath and began to probe.

"Why did you say that he was a coward?" Stephen asked, careful not to use Marcus' name, "You fought alongside him many times. He was always putting his own life at risk to save others. He dedicated his life to helping those in need."

Susan looked up at him and shook her head. "No. He was looking for a way out. He may have told everyone that he had made a promise to his brother, but he just didn't have the courage to face life, and he was too scared to commit suicide. He wanted an honourable death and so volunteered for the most dangerous missions. But that didn't work, so finally he used me as an escape route."

"I don't believe it." Stephen stated. What was she trying to prove to herself? "Marcus was anything but a coward, and you know it. Why are you saying this?"

"Because it is the only explanation for what happened." Susan began to cry harder again, "He had to want to die. I can't except the other reason."

"That he loved you?"

"No." Susan collapsed again into a new wave of sobs, "That I killed him."

A murderer! That was what had been eating away at Susan. Finally he understood why she had done what she had. Stephen squeezed her as tightly as he could.

"Listen to me Susan. You are not to blame for what happened. It's not your fault. If you think that, then you will never be able to live your life."

He could barely hear what she said next. "I'm tired of life Stephen. I don't know where I'm going anymore. I just want it all to stop."

Stephen felt his blood run cold and his mouth go dry. Surely she wasn't thinking what he thought she was? How much had she been hoping to drink last night?

"Susan," He ventured, "You're not going to…"

"Why not?" She looked at him again with hopeless eyes. "He got it right. It is a lot harder to live, and I haven't even been doing that for the last five years. I have just been going through the motions as a captain, not taking notice of what's happening around me. I didn't even know what the date was when we were told to come here. My crew deserve better."

"Yes they do." Stephen agreed, desperately trying to convince her not to do what he feared she was planning. "And you can give them that. Marcus gave you his life-force for a reason; to live."

"And what have I got to live for?" Susan snapped back. "The same as him. Nothing."

"That is where you're wrong."

Susan's rage began to bubble once more, "Don't give me the speech Stephen. I don't have anything left. All that I cared about is gone."

Stephen did not want to see Susan transform again. He was walking a minefield and anything he said might result in him being permanently maimed. In his confusion, he blurted out, "I wasn't talking about you."

"What!?" Susan struggled to sit up. Stephen used the chance to escape back to the other side of the room where he had left his jacket. He began to search through the pockets, painfully aware that an unstable Ivanova was approaching him.

"I said that I had come to Mars to find you. The reason is because I was asked to deliver a message."

Eventually, he found what he was looking for. A data crystal. He held it up to Susan, who eyed it warily.

"From who?"

Stephen didn't answer her. He inserted the crystal into the socket by the wall monitor and waited for it to play, carefully studying her reaction as the face of a young woman appeared. The confusion tinged with hostility that showed on Susan's face made Stephen wonder if now was quite the right time to show her this. He gulped back his apprehension as the message began.

"Captain Ivanova." The woman on the screen spoke with an English accent that wasn't as pronounced as Marcus', "I bring you greetings and may you be blessed with long life and prosperity. My name is Marie Cole, and Marcus was my Father."

"Pause."

Stephen could swear that the eyes Susan turned on him were glowing in the same way as Lyta's had.

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" She snapped. "Because if this is, I will scoop their hearts out after I have removed yours."

Stephen held up a hand to ward her off, desperately trying to avoid a repeat of her earlier explosion. "No. I reacted in the same way, but she checks out. She's adopted." He could see that Susan was not convinced, but she obviously decided not to kill him right there as she took a shuddering breath to gain control and faced the monitor again.

"Play."

"My Father talked about you a lot when we were together. He held you in the greatest respect and admiration. I know that you will know nothing about me, but that is not because my Father did not want you to know, but that he feared for my life if anyone discovered my identity. Only recently have I taken on my name again and ventured out into the universe. I would have contacted you earlier, but I have only just learnt the whole story from Doctor Franklin of what happened between you and my Father. I would like to meet you, and not just because my Father wanted us to meet. There are things I want to say to you, face to face, and there are things we should discuss.

Doctor Franklin will know where I am whenever you are ready to meet me. I look forward to that time.

Entil'zha Veni."

Marie finished with the traditional Ranger salute.

Stephen took the crystal out of the port and turned to Susan. She was staring at the blank screen, incomprehension on her face as she struggled to take in what she had just seen. The message had done what he could not; subdue her rage. All the conclusions that she had formed were shattered with this new evidence. She had to re-evaluate events that she thought she had understood. Re-evaluate people that she thought she had known.

"He had a daughter?"

Stephen knew she was not asking him. He unfolded a piece of paper and put it on the breakfast table, using the data crystal as a paperweight.

"Marie is on Mars at this moment. I have told her that you will meet with her tomorrow. The address is there."

Susan looked at him. He could see that she wanted to ask him to explain it all. He didn't want to. Marie had that right.

"I've got to go." He excused himself, "I've got a lot to do before the celebrations next week, and one of them is updating the file of Ruth Blackett. Marie can explain everything." He had been gathering up his belongings during this little speech, and headed for the door. "I'll see you next week and you can tell me how it went. Now eat some breakfast."

Stephen was going through the door when Susan made him pause.

"Stephen."

He looked back.

"Thank you."

Stephen smiled. She was going to be all right.

To be continued…


	3. Part 3

**Part 3.**

Susan hesitated, her hand raised to press the call button next to the door of the apartment. What was wrong with her? Her whole body was pulsating with each heartbeat, and she could see her hand shaking as she held it in midair. These symptoms she could put down to the activities of the last two days, but not the way the Mars climate had suddenly cooled, and the fact that she was now hypersensitive to noises and people.

No. As much as she hated to admit it, her emotional outburst of the day before, and the revelations that came with it, had nudged her off balance. She had tried to regain her composure, but she still had the strangest feeling of being slightly out of kilter with the rest of the universe. It was very disconcerting.

After Stephen had left her, Susan had retreated to the bed and cried for a long time. She couldn't help it. The tears would not stop. They would subside for a few moments, then, with a whimper and a wail, she would bury her face into the pillow and begin again. It was like a dam that had been breached; the flow could be stemmed, but nothing was going to stop her emotions now that they had found an escape route after five years. Eventually, she must have slept, drained and exhausted as she was.

Susan had woken to a darkened room; her rage dissipated and her tears spent, but her future course unclear. She had sat in the dark, for how long she did not know, and thought. She thought of Marcus, of the conversations they had shared, of the hopes they had discussed. At no time had he hinted at a daughter. Susan tried to imagine how she would have fit into his life, a young child on a mining colony; then when he had joined the Rangers, an additional burden to add to his promise. And what of Marie? Losing her home to a war she could not understand, and then her Father because of a woman she did not know. Susan fully expected to be hated by Marie, and the meeting she had requested to just be an opportunity to show her bitterness and resentment that Susan had lived at the expense of her Father.

Susan did not want to meet her, to see the accusation in her eyes, to have the guilt that she held in her heart confirmed by an orphaned girl.

She could have run away again. It would have been so easy to have gone back to her ship and spent the next five years as she had the last five. Marie would be able to hate her, it was her right. It was all Susan deserved.

If it had not been for the fact that Stephen had already arranged the meeting, she would have left. But he trusted her and she was not going to betray that trust, no matter how else she may have disappointed her friends by her actions.

Honour had made her get dressed the next morning, brush her unruly hair into some semblance of a style, and apply concealer to her yellowing bruises. Honour had quelled the apprehension that sat in her stomach as she stood outside the address she had been given.

All her fears and misgivings were back now that she was one push away from Marie. Susan tightened her hand into a fist, digging her nails into her palm. She focused on the pain, trying to create a centre to ground herself. After a few seconds to form her composure, Susan unclenched her hand and firmly pushed the call button.

Susan struck her captain's pose as she waited for the door to swing open.

She waited.

No one answered the door, and Susan felt a wave of relief as she realised that the meeting she had dreaded was not to take place. Marie was not home. She would be able to leave Mars without seeing her and still tell Stephen that she had kept the appointment. The release of pent up tension made her light headed and slightly euphoric, such that she had to place a hand to the wall as she turned.

In her rapid retreat from the door, Susan did not hear the delighted laughter of a little girl who ran around the corner of the corridor and straight into her. The collision resulted in them both sitting on the floor, Susan growling curses and the girl bawling her eyes out.

"Amy! What happened?" The worried shout was followed from around the corner by a young woman. The bag of shopping that she carried was dropped as she fell to her knees and picked up the crying girl.

"Shhh," She soothed, "It's all right, I'm here."

The woman gently rocked the child, then when she had assured herself that she was not hurt, turned her attention to Susan who was getting ready to launch one of her infamous verbal assaults.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

Susan's scathing reply died on her lips. She knew this woman.

"Marie?"

The woman stared at her in confusion, obviously trying to remember where they had met before. Susan watched her expression change to one of embarrassed astonishment as Marie realised that this was the person with whom she had an appointment.

"Captain Ivanova!" she gasped.

Marie scrambled to her feet, still with Amy wrapped around her. She supported the child with one hand and extended the other towards Susan, helping her up, whilst launching into a breathless explanation.

"Oh gosh! I'm so sorry. Have you been waiting long? I did mean to be here, but the shopping took me longer than I expected, and I had promised Amy that we could play on the swings. Well time went on so we had to run back."

By this time, Marie had opened the door to the apartment and retrieved her shopping. She ushered Susan in.

"Come in. Take a seat and I'll just get this lot sorted out. Amy, why don't you go find Biddy, there's a good girl. Are you sure you're all right Captain? Amy slammed into you quite hard by the looks of it. Would you like a drink? I've got tea and coffee, or there's a bottle of vodka somewhere in this bag. Stephen said that was what you liked. I haven't really stopped since he called yesterday. I just hope I've not forgotten anything. It's quite lucky that we're on Mars at the same time. I only arrived last week so I didn't have much in, hence the shopping trip this morning. Stephen told me not to worry about food, but I couldn't offer you beans on toast could I? I suppose it's living on Minbar for so long, but I feel that it's necessary for an important meeting like this to be accompanied by a meal. Of course I haven't got the time to do the three-day ritual, and I didn't feel flarn would be appropriate. It was only when I went to Earth that I realised how much I've missed human food."

Marie paused. She had unpacked her shopping onto the counter in the apartment's kitchen and was staring at it wide eyed. She ran her hands up into her hair and blew out a long breath.

"Where to start?" she said to herself, turning a rapid three hundred and sixty, taking stock of the situation. "Kettle!" Marie pounced on the appliance; then began sorting out the rest of the ingredients of her planned meal.

"Surprisingly, it wasn't the fancy foods that I missed most," Marie took up her narration where she had left off, "I'd forgotten that apple crumble used to be my favourite pudding at school…"

Susan didn't hear any of what Marie said. She fully expected to wake up back in her prison cell, so unstuck from reality did she feel. It could not be happening. How could it be happening?She could just about accept that Marcus had an adopted daughter, but not that she would be rattling on about childhood dishes. Where was the anger; the hurt? Surely she knew what had happened; that she, the great Captain Ivanova, was the cause of her heartache of the last five years. Susan remembered her own reaction when her Mother died and imagined that Marie would have felt the same.

Susan looked at Amy. The girl was now hugging a doll, barely dry eyes staring at her. She couldn't be more than four years old, and Marie had to still be in her teens, which meant that she would have been little more than a child herself when she….

Susan suddenly felt sick. What had she done? Because of her, the daughter of her friend had been driven into the arms of possibly the first man to have offered her comfort. It did not look like he was still around to help with the parental duties, if he even knew.

She hung her hear in her hands and groaned. Could this day get any worse?

"Captain Ivanova?"

Susan looked up at Marie's concerned face. She was kneeling next to her, having noticed Susan's distressed state.

"Are you all right? Is there anything you need?"

"Could I use your bathroom?"

Marie pointed, "Second door on the right."

Susan managed to keep her composure until she had locked the door behind her, then she threw up her breakfast. It did not help, she still felt sick to the pit of her stomach. Sitting on the floor, waiting for her head to stop spinning, she decided that she had to leave. There was nothing that she could say to Marie that could change anything. If she offered her money it would look like she was trying to buy her forgiveness. No, it would be better if she left her life before she could mess it up any more.

There was a quiet tap at the door,

"Captain Ivanova? Would you like me to call a doctor?"

Susan shook herself from her thoughts, "No! I'm all right. I'll be out in a minute."

She washed out her mouth and splashed water on her face whilst quickly rehearsing her excuse. Glancing at her reflection she thought, God, I look like death warmed up. Then she straightened her clothes and reached into her pocket for the Ranger pin. At least she could give that to its rightful owner.

On emerging from the bathroom, Susan found Marie sitting on the floor, helping Amy build a pyramid of play bricks. Marie scrambled to her feet.

"Captain! Are you feeling better? I forgot to ask if you wanted tea or coffee."

She came straight out with it, "I'm leaving."

Marie's face fell.

"Why? You've only just got here. We haven't had time to talk."

"There's no need. There is nothing you can say that I haven't already told myself. It's all my fault. Everything that has happened to you has been because of me." Susan paused, "I'm sorry." There, she had said it. "The one thing that I wish I could do more than anything else is to go back to that night and stop him from saving my life. I would have stopped him then if I could. I'd done my part. I was ready to die; I had accepted it. He had you, and I cannot understand how he could leave you alone. All I do know is that if he hadn't fallen in love with me then you might still have him."

Marie had started to quietly cry. Susan pushed on to the end.

"That's all I wanted to say, and to give you this," she pushed the pin into Marie's hands, "It was your Father's. I'm not asking for your forgiveness."

"There's nothing to forgive," Marie grasped at Susan's hand before she could turn to the door. "You don't understand. I wanted to meet you to be able to thank you."

It was a second before Susan registered what was said.

"What?"

"I want to thank you." Marie repeated.

"What could you possibly thank me for?"

"You gave me back my Father."

"But I killed your Father." Susan was getting confused.

"What happened then is not your fault." Marie tried to explain. "And I am talking about before that. Dad was the funniest person I knew. When I was small, I was never sad when I was with him. The things we did." She chuckled at a secret memory, then chewed her bottom lip. "After Granddad died, he changed. Every day he was a little more distant, less like my Dad and more like a stranger. When Uncle Billy died, I thought I had lost him for good. I looked into his eyes and they were empty. The laughter had gone, and with it, his soul. My Father was dead inside before he met you. I could not give him back the laughter; but you did."

Susan thought back to the first time she had met Marcus. He had been intensely serious and sombre. She hadn't thought much about it before.

"I have more to thank you for than you could possibly know." Marie continued. "Because of you, Dad learned to laugh again, to love and to hope; everything that he had lost. The last time that I saw him, he was just as I remembered from when I was small. Even if it was only for a little while, he was happy. We were happy."

For a few seconds Susan couldn't think of anything to say. This was the last thing she had expected to hear. No. She could not except that Marie didn't harbour some ill feelings towards her.

"But what about afterwards?" Susan had to find out how she felt.

"What about it?"

"You must blame me for something," She pressed, "For leaving you alone at an impressionable age; for Amy being born…."

Marie's face made her stop in mid flow. It was a picture of ignorant confusion. Susan was suddenly unsure of herself, but stumbled on.

"She is your daughter?" she tentatively asked.

Marie gave a horrified gasp as it clicked as to what Susan was asking.

"You thought she was..." Marie stared open mouthed before hiding her face behind her hands. She let out a muffled 'aaah!' prior to emerging. "What can I say? It's no wonder you looked ill. I just assumed you knew. Rats! Everything's gone wrong and I did want it all to be perfect."

Susan looked at Marie, a picture of frustration with one hand thrust into her hair as she franticly tried to think of a way out of the situation. Susan was inwardly cursing herself for letting her Russian pessimism make the worst assumptions. At least things were not as bad as she had imagined. Only now, Marie was on the verge of panicking, obviously out of her depth.

"Shall we start again?" Susan offered, "With proper introductions."

Marie nodded quickly and straightened up. "I am Marie Cole. It is an honour to meet you."

She held out her hand. Susan shook it firmly.

"How do you do. I am Captain Ivanova, of the EA ship Titans. Please call me Susan."

"And this," Marie beckoned over the girl, "Is Amy. I'm looking after her while her Aunt is on a business trip to Earth."

"This is Biddy." Amy added, holding up her doll.

"Hello Biddy." Susan said, shaking its hand.

"Did you mention coffee?" Susan asked, straightening up. Marie smiled, as it meant that she had decided to stay.

Things went better after that, although the conversation was still a little formal and awkward. It was obvious that Marie was very nervous, as she talked almost non-stop. Susan let her. She was feeling very shaky herself and was glad to sit still for a while. The new revelations had been coming thick and fast, and she needed time to sort everything out in her own head.

As the afternoon wore on, each of the women learnt about the other, although by an unspoken mutual agreement, neither of them mentioned Marcus' death. They had already told each other what needed to be said. There was little to add.

Marie refused to let Susan into the kitchen area, determined as she was to impress her guest with her culinary skills. She admitted that cooking was not something she had done much of on Minbar, but she had been taught the basics by her Grandmother and was learning quickly now that she had to fend for herself.

"This is the first chance I've had to do a real meal," She said, as she drained the vegetables. "Up to now all I've done is survival rations. I haven't had the time or occasion to do anything ambitious. I just hope it tastes ok."

Susan had no complaints. It was the first home cooked meal she had eaten in five years and no roast beef dinner that she could remember had tasted better. It didn't matter that the vegetables were a little underdone, or the roast potatoes rather black, or that the beef was from a package. It was the imperfections that made it a real meal and not something just to drive away the hunger.

When it came to the dessert, Marie was very secretive. She made Susan close her eyes before placing a dish in front of her. Susan recognised the aroma before she was told she could look.

"Limonnyi Pirog!" She almost squealed. "How did you know?"

Marie grinned, obviously pleased at the reaction, "I could say that I never reveal my sources, but I asked Stephen if you had a favourite dish. He remembered you talking about the lemon cakes your Mother made, so I did a search through the data files and decided that this was the most likely. Thankfully, I chose the right one."

She handed Susan a knife so that she had the honour of cutting into the lemon custard tart. Susan lifted the first slice and heard Marie breathe a sigh of relief that it had set.

"I'm almost embarrassed at the effort you've put in," Susan commented as she began to eat, "I certainly wasn't expecting anything like this."

"I've had fun," Marie admitted, "Plus, it's not every day that you meet the person who could have been your Mother."

Caught mid mouthful, Susan choked at the statement. She coughed violently, managed to swallow and gasped out,

"What!"

"Oh no! I've put my foot into it again haven't I?" Marie hastily apologised and handed Susan a glass of water. "I keep thinking that Stephen told you all about me."

"I didn't give him a chance. He might not have told me anyway, he would think this all a wonderful joke. One surprise revelation after another. Is there anything else I should know?"

Marie chewed her bottom lip,

"Well, Dad did say he was going to ask you to marry him."

"That would go with the Mother part."

Susan stared down at her plate, the Limonyi Pirog was only half eaten but her appetite had gone. She disheartendly stuck her fork into the middle of it.

"Are you all right?" Marie asked.

"I don't know" Susan admitted. "For five years I have been telling myself that he didn't love me. It was the only way I could survive. I didn't want to admit that once again I had lost a chance for happiness; that someone close to me had gone. Now you tell me that he had been planning to marry me, to build a life and family. I can't deceive myself any more."

She began to cry, surprised that she had any tears left.

"I don't know why he thought I would make a good mother. I have absolutely no maternal instincts."

Marie nodded in agreement, "He did say that you would probably kill him for suggesting it."

Susan laughed. She didn't quite know why, unless it was that Marie's delivery was almost exactly like Marcus'. He had possessed an uncanny timing for humour. She wiped her eyes, her spirits lifted a little.

"You have me at a terrible disadvantage. He seems to have told you all about me."

"Oh, he didn't tell me everything," Marie was quick to jump in. "I think he didn't want to scare me with details of the war. It was only when I got his last message that I found out what you meant to him."

"What message?"

"It was after you were injured." Marie looked uncertain, "He wanted me to understand why he did what he did. Didn't you get one?"

"No." Susan said, wondering herself why she hadn't, "Not one like yours." She remembered then that she had got a message. Everything that Marcus had needed to tell her had been contained in three little words.

"Do you want to see the message?" Marie asked, "I have it right here."

She held out a data crystal. Susan looked at it, but did not take it. The thought of seeing his face again, to hear his voice was more than she could bear.

"No." She declined, "I can't. Not now. Maybe one day." Susan paused, a long unanswered question coming to mind. She was almost afraid to know the answer. "Did he say why he did it?"

"He wanted you to be happy." Marie said, "He said that you had had so much sorrow in your life that you deserved a second chance to find the joy that he had. He didn't want to leave me alone," Marie hurriedly added, taking the chance to explain, "He said that it was the hardest decision that he had made and that I would have to grow up sooner than I should. He wanted us to be friends."

"Not Mother?"

"No." Marie laughed, "He wanted me to have someone that I could talk to, to confide in I suppose and help me avoid life's pitfalls."

"I'm not the best choice." Susan snorted, "I think I made every mistake in the book."

"The Minbari say, 'Those who trip tell others to step aside.'"

"The Minbari have a saying for everything." Susan noted, "Well, I don't know how much wisdom a starship captain who has wasted five years has got, but you are welcome to it."

Marie looked relieved, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet." Susan warned in jest. "Talking of life, what are you planning to do next? Travel some more?"

Marie shook her head. "No. I did the Earth tourist trail, and fun though it was, I didn't feel like I was really getting to know the people or the places. I want to do something useful, to learn, so that if I do go back to the Rangers, I have a new skill to use."

"Like what?"

"Xenogeology." Marie announced, her eyes shining. "I've always been fascinated by the different rocks and what you can get out of them. It's growing up on a mining colony I suppose. I've applied to all the courses I could find on Earth and Mars. The best ones are the ones that have the connections to the big exploration corporations because you can choose to take a year out of your course and spend it on one of their deep space ships."

"Learn and see the universe at the same time." Susan said.

"Exactly."

Susan blew out a breath of admiration, "You seem to have everything sorted out. There's nothing I can add. Have you been offered any places yet?"

"I don't know. I've just had my mail forwarded to here, but I haven't had time to look at it yet. I was going to after I put Amy to bed."

"Let me do that," Susan offered.

"Are you sure?" Marie looked at her with a mixture of thanks and concern.

"Yes," Susan smiled, "I may not have any maternal instincts, but I'm sure I can cope with a four year old, especially one that is almost asleep already."

She nodded towards Amy. Marie looked and smiled herself. The girl was leaning sideways in her chair, eyes closed and about to fall over. As gently as possible, Susan lifted her into her arms and carried her towards the bedroom that Marie had pointed out.

It was true that Susan had no experience with young children, but with a bit of trial and error, Amy was soon tucked up in bed and happily sleeping. Susan crept back to the main room to see if Marie had any news. She was greeted by a loud curse.

"Bloody Hell!"

Susan didn't need to see Marie to know that something was seriously wrong. The tone in her voice was certainly not one of joy. Susan found her sitting at the computer terminal, her head in her hands.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

Marie looked at her with tear filled eyes and tried to speak. When she found that she couldn't, she just waved at the screen, got up and went to the other side of the room.

Susan scrolled through the messages. They were replies from the colleges, and each one was a rejection.

"Oh Marie," She began but the young woman found her voice.

"What am I going to do?" she almost wailed, "I had it all planned out. College, then a job with a corporation if I didn't decide to go back to Minbar. I knew where my life was going, and now they've stopped me before I've even begun."

"You could appeal." Susan suggested.

"That wouldn't work. They've already decided; an appeal isn't going to be any good. It's because I've been living on Minbar I bet. They still don't trust them. It's not what they've written, but that's what it means."

Susan studied the messages. It was true, they all had very reasonable excuses like 'no recognised qualifications', but what it boiled down to was, 'you've turned your back on Earth.' She looked again at Marie, trying to find something comforting to say, but could think of nothing. The young woman was a picture of naive despair. All her hopes and dreams had come crashing down, destroyed by a few executives that didn't know her. If they had met Marie, they would know her to be resourceful, intelligent and selfless.

Here was someone who had twice lost everything and had to rebuild her life. Most people would have given up, pretty much as Susan herself had done, but Marie had embraced the challenge and gone out into the universe to grasp at its wealth of opportunities. She had a hunger for life that had shone in her eyes as she talked about the future; a spark of enthusiasm that could so easily be extinguished.

Anger began to simmer inside Susan. How dare they! How dare they crush Marie! How dare they decide for her! She was trying to create a better life for herself and those around her, and she was willing to work for it. She wasn't asking for a hand out, just a chance to prove herself. Life would provide enough obstacles without those created by arrogant desk bound professors.

In the space of five seconds, Susan had formed a plan. She was going to get Marie that chance to prove herself.

"Which of the colleges do you want to get into most?" She asked.

Marie stared incomprehensibly for a few moments.

"John Carter College, here on Mars. Why?"

"We are going to pay them a visit."

Marie looked at Susan as if she had just suggested that they visit the Vorlon homeworld.

"You can't! They've already said that I haven't got a place."

"Then we shall make them change their minds." Susan announced. Marie stared at her unbelievingly. Susan continued, "You have been living with the Minbari too long Marie. Humans do not have quite the same sense of duty and honour as they have. The first thing you will learn in this big, bad galaxy is that sometimes to get what you want, you have to fight."

To be continued…


	4. Part 4

**Part 4**

Susan allowed herself a smug smile when Marie answered the door the next day and did a double take, as it proved that she had not lost her knack for power dressing.  
A visit to Robinson's department store had banished the self-pitying Susan Ivanova forever. The first establishment she had found during her visit the previous evening was a hair salon. Short as it was, the stylist had managed to manipulate Susan's self-cut mess into a sleek, no nonsense style. Then Susan re-stocked her make-up before locating an outfit.  
She had decided that to strike fear into her opponent, she would need something authoritative without looking too militaristic. Although black was her usual colour choice when dressing to intimidate, Susan knew that her complexion was too pale at the moment to carry it off, so she concentrated on dark colours instead. She had found what she wanted in a dark maroon jacket that was long and fitted, with a mandarin collar. It was reminiscent of the uniform she had worn whilst commanding the Whitestars, and when she tried it on, it felt like she was stepping into the persona of the Commander that she had left behind five years ago. Now she was ready for battle.  
As per Susan's recommendations, Marie and Amy were also dressed to impress. Amy was in a smart dress with no frills, and Marie in a blue trouser suit with a scarf in the neck just to break up the stark plainness. Susan nodded with satisfaction. She may have been dismayed at the idea of marching into the college, but Marie was a quick study and had taken note of Susan's instructions.  
"Ready?" Susan asked.  
"Yes, but are you sure this is the right thing to do?" Marie voiced her concerns. "I could take a correspondent course to get the qualifications for the college and apply again next year."  
"And waste a year." Susan added. "They have no grounds for refusing you now."  
"But.."  
Susan cut her off before she could continue,  
"No buts. 'Claim victory in your heart and the universe must follow'. That is a Minbari saying isn't it? You know, your Father would not have helped as many people as he did if he had thought about the buts before acting. Actually, he would have got into less trouble if he had."  
That made Marie smile.  
"Good." Susan said, "That's settled."

Susan noted that Marie joked with Amy as they travelled to the college campus, turning the situation into a game and making her promise to be on her best behaviour. As they got closer though, she fell silent. Susan wondered what she was frightened of; going up against authority, heading into an unknown situation? She had done both of those things before and surely her Ranger training would ensure that she could cope with most situations.  
But this was not like most situations. Marie had been taught to use her skills to help other people; so to undertake a scheme for purely personal reasons must have been alien to her. Plus, this was not like going into battle, where most choices were purely reaction. This confrontation was pre-planned and could be avoided. Marie had thought about avoidance, that was clear. The suggestion about the correspondence course was an attempt to find an outcome that created the least commotion; to keep her life as smooth as possible. That Marie wanted a quiet life was commendable, but Susan could not quite correlate that with being a Ranger. They were anything but quiet.  
But that was expected from the Rangers and Marie was not with the Rangers now. She was on her own.  
That was it!  
Susan sat for a moment and let her mind process the conclusion that had just leapt right out at her. Marie was afraid of being noticed.  
It was obvious to Susan now. Why, she had done the same thing herself, hiding from the Corps. Marie had for years kept her identity secret by blending into the background; taking the path of least resistance; not doing anything for people to notice her. Hiding in a crowd had become second nature. Because of that, she was now feeling exposed and probably on the verge of panic. It must have been taking every ounce of courage for her to keep going.  
Susan reached over and took Marie's cold hand. She squeezed it and gave Marie a smile of reassurance.  
"Don't worry," She said, "I'll take care of everything." Marie responded with a weak smile.

Bruce Martin was relaxing with his mid morning cup of coffee, listening to the Beatles.  
According to the Martian calendar, they were technically in early summer, but the one thing that had not been shaken off with the rest of Earth was their timekeeping. Yes, their days were longer than on Earth and a certain adjustment had been made for that, but officially they still worked on a twenty-four hour, twelve-month cycle. Not that Bruce minded. He couldn't have stood the length of the terms if they had adopted the local year.  
And so, with temperatures outside the Dome rising, inside his office it was the middle of the winter break, and very nicely quiet.  
He had dealt with the small amount of administration that the College generated at this time of year; bills for the varied running costs, appeals against exam results and such. It was all minor business that could be left to his secretary to take care of. He had more important matters to attend to. That afternoon he would be entertaining a group of chairmen from one of the companies that was looking to give them a grant. Considering most of their income came from such company grants, it was important to impress them.  
Of course it wasn't hard. Being the most respected College on Mars had its advantages. They attracted the best students who were the first ones to be recruited into high-powered jobs after graduation. This generated a reputation for fast-track career enhancement, which ensured that their places were in high demand. The ability to choose the cream of the applicants from only the top schools ensured that their standing at the top of the league tables was unchallenged, and so led to more companies wanting to recruit from them.  
It was a nice self-perpetuating cycle and it looked like it was about to get better. There had been rumblings that the IA was looking into starting a Graduate Recruitment Programme. If that was the case, then Bruce envisaged a very comfortable future. The Interstellar Alliance had always been favourable to Mars.  
His secretary announcing that there was someone to see him interrupted his rosy daydream.  
"What do they want?" he asked, struggling to keep the irritation out of his voice.  
"They want discuss an application that we rejected."  
"Can't you deal with it?" It sounded quite straightforward.  
"I'm sorry sir, but they demand to see you."  
Bruce sighed, and with a silent apology to John, Paul, George and Ringo, instructed them to be sent in. He looked up a few moments later from his pretend paperwork to be greeted by the stern gaze of a woman who was used to being obeyed. Standing behind her was a teenager and a young girl. Sisters? Certainly they were both nervously staring wide-eyed at the older woman. Mother? It was safest to assume so.  
Bruce had encountered such mothers before. They were the ones who hadn't succeeded themselves and so looked for glory through their children, pushing them to succeeded, telling them what their ambitions should be without finding out what their child really wanted. He felt sorry for the children as they were the ones most likely to drop out in the first year. Not good for the league tables.  
It was not going to be easy to dissuade this mother that college was not for them.  
Bruce stood up and held out his hand, "What can I do for you, Mrs?"  
The woman didn't take the proffered hand.  
"Miss." She corrected. "Susan Ivanova."  
Bruce managed not to raise an eyebrow. Perhaps she was divorced. He indicated for all three to sit, then steeled himself for battle.  
"I understand you have come in respect of an application that we refused." He began.  
"Yes. Marie Cole for the course of Xenogeology."  
Bruce did some more speculating as he called up the application on his terminal. Probably Cole was the ex husbands name. He wondered who left whom.  
"Ah yes, here we are." He announced as he scanned the information on the screen. "The reason that we refused is because Marie does not hold any of the recognised qualifications that are required for entry to a course."  
"And based on that you assume that she is not intelligent enough to attend your college."  
"It is not just that," Bruce explained, "We expect our students to come here with a certain level of knowledge. Anyone without that background will be rapidly left behind. We do not have the time or resources to teach students the basics that they should already know."  
"What makes you so sure that Marie does not already surpass some of your students?" Ivanova inquired primly. "Have you looked to see where she was educated?"  
Bruce studied his terminal. Marie was educated at the Dukhat Memorial School. Not one he had heard of. Then he noticed where it was based.  
"Minbar!" He looked up in confusion. He had never heard of a human growing up on Minbar. It explained the lack of recognised qualifications though.  
"Miss Cole," He began, "I am sorry for the lack of explanation of our refusal, but the Minbari education system is so different from our own that we have no way of correlating their qualifications to ours. If you wish to gain the relevant Earth qualifications, then we will gladly review your application again next year."  
Bruce stood up and extended his hand indicating that the meeting was over. Ivanova rose slowly from her seat. She placed her hands on the desk and leaned close to Bruce's face.  
"Why should Marie waste a year of her life to satisfy what is an administrational oversight of your college?"  
"What?"  
"It surprises me," Ivanova continued, getting into her stride, " That one of the best colleges in the Earth system can be so short-sighted in its applications procedure. We live in a multi species society Mr. Martin, and there already humans that live on planets not within the Earth Alliance. There are also aliens living on our own colonies, and more will come. Marie is just the first of what will be an increasing number of students that apply with no recognised qualifications. If your college does not familiarise itself with alien education systems, then your computer could weed out some of the greatest minds of the galaxy and they will go to your competitors. Do you want that Mr. Martin?"  
Bruce shook his head. It took him some seconds to find something to say.  
"If what you say is true Miss Ivanova, then it would take us years to correlate all the different systems."  
"You had better get started then. Marie does not need to study here."  
Bruce felt his blood rise at the superior smugness of the statement. Yes, she had made some valid points, but that did not mean that she could demand anything from him or the college.  
"If that is your attitude," He announced, "Then Marie can go elsewhere. I will not have anyone dictate policy to me in my own office. What gives you the right to come in here and demand anything from me?"  
"What gives me the right," Ivanova spoke quietly and purposely, "Is that I am one of the people who put you here. Five years ago, Mars was under the rule of Earth and if it were not for me, then you would not be the independent state that you are today. I am Captain Susan Ivanova, and I commanded the fleet that spearheaded the battle to overthrow Clark."  
"I thought Sheridan.."  
"And he did." Ivanova did not give him time to finish, "I was injured during an ambush with a group of advanced destroyers. We wiped them out and left the way clear for a victory over Mars. If we had failed, then where you are now sitting would most likely be a pile of smoking rubble."  
"Captain Ivanova," Bruce felt his way carefully. He had the feeling that so far, he had got off lightly. "Your credentials are most impressive, but we still cannot extrapolate the Minbari education system at such short notice."  
"Then you will have to find another way, because I am not leaving until I am satisfied that you have exhausted every avenue." She leaned further over the desk, looking directly into her opponent's eyes. Bruce himself almost fell backwards into his chair. "Marie's father," Ivanova continued, "Saved my life at the cost of his own. Because of that, I am going to make certain that she gets every chance to succeed in her chosen career and ensure that the name of Cole continues to be respected throughout the galaxy. One bureaucrat with an arbitrary computer system is not going to stop me, not when I have faced Shadow fleets and won. Do you think you would stand any chance with me? Mr. Martin."  
Bruce swallowed nervously.  
"We can't just offer a place." He blurted.  
"That is not what I am suggesting." Ivanova settled back into her seat. "Just because I have the means and connections to ruin your college, doesn't mean that I will. I just want a chance for Marie to prove herself to you. Surely that is all anyone wants. Now, if you do not have the means to recognise Marie's qualifications, then is there not an entrance exam that she could sit?"  
Bruce considered the proposition.  
"It's possible."  
"Fine; you do that. If Marie does not meet your requirements, then we shall go elsewhere. Marie is not looking for handouts Mr. Martin, only to be judged on her merit. When you have compiled your test, you can contact us. We shall give your secretary the address. Good day Mr. Martin."  
With that, Captain Ivanova stood up and led Marie and the small girl from his office. When the door had closed, Bruce ran his hands through his hair and noisily blew out a breath.  
"Well you really misjudged that one Bruce." He said to no one in particular.

Once outside on the street, Marie surprised Susan by throwing her arms around her and giving her a big hug.  
"Thank you so much." She said. "You were amazing!"  
Susan found herself smiling. "Thank you," she answered back, "But I was being quite restrained. You have yet to see me in full flow. That is something to see."  
"I look forward to it."  
Susan laughed, "That is not the reaction I usually get. Well we have time before lunch. What would you like to do?"  
"I don't know about you," Marie began, hopping from one foot to the other with pent up energy. "But I want to go to the park and run like the wind."  
"I've never been to the park."

Marie seemed to regress in age as she ran around in circles with Amy. They played a hectic game of tag, accompanied by gales of laughter, and usually ended up rolling together on the grass.  
Susan watched them almost from within a dream. This moment, surreal as it was, seemed so right. She had made a difference, to one person. She had done good.  
Is that what had been missing from her life? Had she lost sight of her purpose; her reason for living? Yes, in the military she was defending the innocent, but as Garibaldi had once said, it had become just numbers on a page. She no longer saw the results of her work, the faces of the people she helped.  
Here and now, she was watching the euphoric joy of a young woman, looking forward to the next stage of her life. She, Susan Ivanova had done that. Not Captain, just plain, ordinary Susan. Marie's laughter was a far greater reward than any victory gained at the head of a fleet.  
Susan closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Over the past five years, a weight had settled onto her, which meant that deep breaths were usually only sighs. Today she passed the point of a sigh and continued, drawing air into her lungs. Each second filled her body with new life, reaching down to her toes and out to her fingertips. Susan stretched out, straining her body to its limits, feeling the energy pulsating through it. No longer did she feel weighed down, constricted. She felt almost light enough to fly.  
No more would she brood on the past. From today, Susan Ivanova would walk tall again, starting a new life, looking forward to the future, making small differences to individuals.

To be continued... 


	5. Part 5

**Part 5**

"Welcome to the _EAS Titans_" Captain Ivanova announced, and for the first time she felt a sense of pride as she said it.   
Marie stepped down from the shuttle and looked around the bay in awe. She didn't speak for a full five seconds, taking in the size of one of the largest ships in the fleet.   
"Oh Wow!" She said, "You could fit a Whitestar in here."   
"Not quite," Susan chuckled, "but this is the largest landing bay outside a space station. At least, on Earth ships."   
"I think you've beaten the Minbari. How have you managed to increase the structural integrity to mass ratio? I always understood that was the restricting factor in building open areas within space going ships. Above a certain point, the shell isn't strong enough to withstand the pressures of a vacuum."  
"Well, the _Titans_ is larger than other ships, but if you want to know any more you will have to talk to one of our engineers. I just command this thing"  
Susan knew that Marie would have a very long discussion with the engineers when she finally spoke to one. In the few days that they had spent together, a strong friendship had begun to develop and Susan had discovered that Marie was a very quiet person, not only because of her survive and hide instinct, but because she was incredibly shy. She had let Susan take the lead wherever they had gone on Mars, and they had done almost the entire tourist trail; shopping, museums, theatres. It had been Susan who had talked to the store assistants when they had gone shopping; Susan who had asked for directions when they were lost; Susan who had ordered in the restaurants. The only people that Marie felt immediately comfortable with were children, and now that Amy had been returned to her aunt, Marie had become almost timid when in public.  
What Susan had also discovered was that although shy, Marie was almost fanatically inquisitive. She continually studied the details of her surroundings, striving to discover how things worked or were put together. She had enthused over the construction of the American patchwork quilts that were displayed in the Mars museum, entranced by the tessellation of the individual patches to the point of sketching the patterns. Marie also had a great love for art and music, something Susan suspected came from her Father, and they had attended a concert just the night before to commemorate Susan's last day of planet leave.  
And now, Captain Ivanova was going to give Marie a guided tour of her ship.  
As Captain, it was her duty to board a day before the rest of her crew and so the bay was almost deserted when they arrived. Susan was glad. She enjoyed being in the company of Marie, just doing ordinary things and being treated as an equal, not a superior. That had not happened for such a long time and if they had been met by a member of her command staff, she would have had to adopt a formality, which would have felt awkward.  
Together, they shouldered Susan's luggage, which had increased dramatically due to shopping trips, and made their way across the bay. More than once Marie almost tripped up from not looking where she was going as she was trying to take in everything at once.  
They entered Susan's cabin to the same smell of fresh paint that permeated the whole ship, and dropped the bags in the middle of the floor.  
"I'm afraid it's rather small," Susan apologised, "and I've never got round to personalising it. There didn't seem much point."  
Marie cast a look around the room, "The beauty with small is that it won't take much. You could put that Monet poster over there," she pointed to the wall opposite the bed, "Add a rug or two; the Brakiri make some wonderful ones." She sighed with regret. "If only we could have bought one of those quilts. It would have really brightened things up."  
Susan smiled in agreement, "I know. I actually wanted one when I was small, but Mama always said that there was no point cutting up good cloth just to sew it back together again."  
"What a shame." Marie said.  
At that moment, Susan's link bleeped. After almost a week without its interruptions, she jumped at the sound. With a look that made Marie giggle, she spoke sharply to the back of her hand,  
"Ivanova. Go."  
"Captain," the voice on the other end sounded very nervous, "We have a call coming through from Doctor Franklin on Earth."  
"Put it through to my quarters."  
A few seconds later, the face of Stephen appeared on the wall monitor.  
"Hello Susan, Marie." He smiled at them both. "The fact that you are both there together means that either I am safe, or you are planning the most excruciating tortures to subject me to."  
Susan looked at Marie and raised an eyebrow. Marie managed not to giggle but grinned evilly. Together, they turned back to the monitor. Stephen swallowed.  
"I think I'll stay on Earth for now."  
"Coward." Susan taunted him, then she laughed. "Why did you call Stephen?"  
"To see how you are doing, and the fact that you are laughing speaks volumes." Stephen was smiling again. "It looks like you've been eating properly for the last week as well. Keep that up and you'll soon be at your proper weight."  
"Just don't put me on one of your diets."  
"Food plan."  
"Whatever."  
"Fine." Stephen agreed, "I've scheduled regular check ups with your ship's doctor. Don't skip any as I will be keeping an eye on you."  
"Yes Doctor." Susan playfully replied.  
"Well, I look forward to seeing you in a couple of days. You can fill me in then with all the juicy details of what you two have been getting up to."  
"You already know about the fun parts." Susan said, "But I'll gladly tell you the rest if you really want to know."  
"You do that." Stephen turned his gaze towards Marie, "Michael Garibaldi will be here as well. I can introduce you if you still want to talk about investments."  
"I'm afraid I can't come to Earth right now," Marie said, sharing a sideways glance with Susan, "I've got something important to do. But if you could ask his advice I'll be grateful."  
"OK, I'll do that. Look after yourself."  
"I will." Marie thanked him.  
Stephen glanced at the clock on his desk.  
"I've got a meeting to get to so I must go. See you soon Susan, and you Marie. I'm glad you two are getting along."  
Once Stephen had severed the connection, Susan turned to Marie.  
"I am sorry you can't come to Earth. I could have given you a lift."  
Marie shook her head.  
"It's all right. I'm absolutely no good at social occasions like that. I would have been at the edge of the crowd all the time. No, I have to concentrate on this entrance exam, considering the trouble you went to, to get me the chance."  
"I didn't mean them to set it on the same day as the anniversary." Susan said, "I'm sure you will sail through it though."  
"I hope so." Marie wrung her hands nervously.  
Susan looked at her squarely in the eyes.  
"Don't worry about it now." She said, "Worry about it tomorrow. Now is the time that I show you around the best ship in the fleet."

The tour took hours.  
With the ship being virtually empty, Susan was able to take Marie to sections that would have been inaccessible at other times. The gun emplacements located at the furthest corners of the ship; the cockpit of a Starfury in the launch bays; the fusion reactors that powered the engines. Marie was fascinated by everything. It wasn't long before she relaxed and began asking questions, a number of which Susan struggled to answer. She was like a child, seeing new marvels at every turn and her wonder infected Susan as she discovered what an amazing ship she had been commanding for five years.  
When they eventually arrived on the bridge, the lieutenant that was on standby duty was so unnerved by his captain's change of appearance, attractive guest and strange good humour that he forgot his work and just stared. Luckily for him, Susan was busy explaining what each station controlled or he would have found out that the Ice Maiden hadn't melted entirely.  
By the time the tour reached his station, the lieutenant was once again immersed in the information on his screen.  
"And this is ops." He heard the Captain say behind him, "Lieutenant Collins, what is our status since the refurbishment?"  
Collins was caught out by the question and stammered a little before answering,  
"W..well, all the work crews have left and the re-supply shipments are on schedule. Mr.French has complained five times about the quality of foodstuffs he has been sent."  
"He should be grateful that he has fresh food for once to cook with." Susan commented.  
"All Starfuries have been serviced," Collins continued, "and the weapons and tracking systems overhauled. Engineering is beginning to power up the engines for our jump to Earth. We currently have fifty-three crew aboard, with another two-hundred and sixty returning tomorrow. The rest of the crew will board when we reach Earth."  
"Good." Susan said, "Everything seems to be in order. Good work Lieutenant."  
"Th..Thank you." Collins was surprised by the praise. The Captain never complimented anyone! He didn't dare turn around as Ivanova issued her next order.  
"Keep me informed if there is any change of status. I shall be sampling the delights of Mr.French's culinary skills."

Judging from the meal that Susan and Marie were served with, the ship's chef seemed to be enjoying himself with the real ingredients that were so rare on Earthforce destroyers.  
"I am so going to miss real food." Susan announced as she finished off a fruit sorbet. "I wonder if I can schedule some extra stops to pick up supplies."  
"You are always welcome to visit me on Mars." Marie said, "Assuming that I get on a course and find a place to stay."  
"I might just do that."  
Marie jumped in her seat excitedly as an idea struck her,  
"Or you could come with me to Minbar during the holidays. Tuzanor is right up in the mountains. The scenery is phenomenal!"  
Susan considered the proposal. Tuzanor, the home of the Rangers.  
"I don't know." She replied, "I shall have to think about that one. I've never been to Minbar."  
Marie didn't push the subject. Maybe she could see how much the idea disturbed her; visiting the place where he had spent so much time, had trained to become the Ranger who had affected her life so dramatically. She was not ready for it. Just as she would need time before she could listen to his last message, so she needed to let her heart heal some more before she could visit Minbar. She had only just begun to listen to her heart again anyway.  
"So," Marie changed subject, "What's the crew compliment on this thing?"  
"Twleve hundred, working on a three shift rotation. There should be four hundred on duty at any one time, though we can maintain combat readiness with just over half that. That is better than the Dreadnoughts can manage."  
"Do you think the Warlocks will replace the Dreadnoughts?"  
"In time, yes, because everything has to be replaced eventually. At the moment Earthforce is still building up its forces after the civil war. It takes more than five years to build a fleet and anything that is spaceworthy will be up here for a while yet."  
"But you've got the best ship of the lot." Marie said, "I would love to have a go at flying this."  
Susan sighed, "The Warlocks are not perfect. These ships have some real nasty secrets that scare the hell out of me."  
Before Marie could inquire further, Susan's link bleeped.  
"Ivanova. Go."  
"Captain, this is Lieutenant Collins. There is a message coming through on Gold Channel."  
Susan frowned. Everything had been arranged weeks ago concerning their passage to Earth. What could have come up for a priority message to be sent out? Was there a problem with security in hyperspace? Or were they just being asked to ferry a VIP? She shared a look of concern with Marie.  
"I'm on my way to the bridge. Ivanova out."  
Together they rose from the table and strode from the mess hall.  
"What do you think it is?" Marie asked.  
"I have no idea. Damn! I knew it was too quiet around here."

"At the request of President Sheridan, all ships that are able, are to rendezvous in Earth orbit immediately. There are unconfirmed reports of an alien attack fleet heading for Earth space. Flagship is the _EAS Hermes_, under the command of Genr..."  
Susan didn't hear anymore. Dozens of different memories and emotions crowded into her head. The Battle of the Line. Even though she had not been there at the line, she still remembered the fear that had settled over the world. No one imagined that they could win. That day they teetered on the edge of annihilation. Corianna VI. Another seemingly hopeless engagement in which they had all prepared to die, yet miraculously they survived. And her last skirmish, against the advanced destroyer group. She should have died there.  
Yet here she was about to go into combat once more and the familiar knot of fear had appeared in her stomach. Once, she would have also had a tingle of anticipation as she waited for her opponent, but not anymore. She knew what was out there, what the universe could throw at them. Too many times she had witnessed the firepower of a superior force, and she had dodged death one time too many.  
John Sheridan had ordered the fleet to stand ready. He knew better than her what adversaries were out there in the darkness between worlds. If he said he needed all the ships, then he meant it. That scared Susan more than anything else.  
All the ships.  
Susan had to sit down as the dreadful reality struck her. Most of the ships in orbit around Mars were practically helpless, their engines powered down, their crews on planet leave. Only a handful were scheduled to jump to Earth, and they were still only manned by skeleton crews. They and the Earth were going to be sitting ducks.  
"What's going to happen?"  
Marie's voice cut into her thoughts. Susan looked up at her.  
"We are going to get our butts kicked." She shook her head, "I had a bad feeling about this planet leave. Lieutenant, how many of the other ships are signalling confirmation of the order?"  
"Only six." His voice wavered with apprehension, "The others are not able to get their engines on line in time."  
"What about our engines?"  
Collins stood up from the communications console to move to navigation, but Marie had settled into the seat before he had taken a step.  
"Engines are online and at eighty percent power." Her fingers passed over the console, tapping at the controls, "Jump engines are powering up and will be online in seven minutes."  
She looked back at Susan for orders.  
Captain Ivanova slowly looked around the virtually empty bridge.  
"Long odds are better than no odds I suppose." She stated, "Open ship's tannoy."  
Susan's voice echoed around the _Titans_.  
"All crew report to your nearest duty station. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. We are about to enter combat with an unknown enemy and every one of you is needed in the defence of this ship. We may be few in number, but we can still pack a punch. Captain out."  
She turned back to Collins.  
"Lieutenant; you have the time of the jump to Earth space to find out exactly who is on board and get them to the position where they will be the most effective. Lets see what fifty-three people can do with this thing."  
"Fifty-four." Marie interjected.  
They exchanged looks.  
"You were trained on Whitestars?" Susan inquired.  
"Three duties, including war games. I have also logged time on a number of simulators, including Earthforce destroyers." At Susan's raised eyebrows, she added, "The Rangers make sure we're prepared."  
"Consider yourself drafted. Plot a course to Earth."  
Marie spun her chair back to her console and set to work.  
"Course computed and set," She noted her progress out loud so that Susan did not need to ask. "Jump engines will be online in five minutes."  
Susan settled into her command chair. At that moment, she realised just how much she missed him. Just about every battle that she had fought during the Shadow war and the fight for Earth had been with Marie's father beside her. They had worked so well together, discussing battle plans; and other things. They had developed an understanding that Captains and their First Officers very rarely did. There was no one to stand by her in this battle. She would be making the decisions alone.  
But she had a Ranger Cole at the helm. That had to count for something.  
"Take us out of orbit"

to be continued... 


	6. Part 6

**Part 6**

Marie had not been exaggerating when she said she knew how to fly a Warlock class destroyer. Susan was looking over the crew manifest, evaluating their strengths and weaknesses, when the Ranger's efficient voice announced that they were returning to normal space.  
Contact the _Hermes_, Ivanova ordered, Let's see if we have anymore information on the enemy. And find out if Sheridan has arrived.  
The young officer assigned to communications opened a channel. She had never worked on the bridge before, having been drafted from engineering, but if she was unnerved it did not show. Susan was impressed. Lieutenant Collins had done a first rate job, filling the essential positions with their limited resources. Every station on the bridge was manned, as well as every main weapon. He had moved a number of the crew from their usual departments such as environmental and catering, which were, frankly, redundant during a firefight, and covered as much ground as possible. Susan was pleased to see that medical had been left alone. With an undermanned crew, there were likely to be a high proportion of casualties. What they didn't have were pilots to spare for Starfuries, although the _Titans_ was manoeuvrable enough for it not to be crucial for their defence. Also, with no Starfuries to be tracked, all their attention would only need to be focused on the one ship. That made Susan feel a little easier about the impending battle.  
As Susan waited for a response from the _Hermes_, she looked out on her home planet for the first time in five years. It was just as beautiful as she remembered, a blue and white sphere hanging there in space. Suddenly, Susan felt her throat closing onto a sob, and her eyes stinging with tears.  
Earth. It was still her home, even after all the heartache it had caused her. She had forgotten that at some point in her running and hiding, but now Ivanova was back and she was going to do her damndest to make sure that no one touched her planet.  
The _Hermes_ orders us to take up position with the fleet. The communications officer broke in, They also say that they have no new information and that the President is not yet here.  
Ivanova swallowed back her tears.  
Cole, take us in, she ordered, Keep your eyes peeled on scanners. I want a heads up as soon as anything appears in our space. Stand by everyone; we don't know what is coming at us.  
They waited. Ivanova desperately wanted to contact the President for information on what was heading their way; species, number, armament, anything. All she knew was that it was something big, and the depleted fleet she had seen in orbit was certainly not ready to fight a pitched battle. As a soldier though, she also knew that unnecessary chatter on the communications channels was dangerous, so she kept silent and waited with the rest of the fleet.  
Minutes passed, and Ivanova began to pace, running battle plans through her head. She had turned on her heel just behind navigation when she heard a suppressed giggle.  
Something funny Cole? she asked.  
Marie half turned in her seat,  
I'm sorry Captain, she said, But Dad told me about your pacing. It's just a little strange to see it for myself.  
Ivanova raised her eyebrows in indignation,  
And what else did he tell you, may I ask?  
Nothing uncomplimentary, I assure you. Marie's smile faded slightly. I was just wondering what he would be doing if he were here.  
Annoying the hell out of me probably. Ivanova allowed herself a half smile as she remembered. He would spout the most ridiculous rubbish when he was nervous.  
Did he get scared before a battle?  
Ivanova looked down at the girl. At that moment, she looked a very young eighteen, her inexperience showing with the fear that had crept into her eyes.  
We all get scared before a battle, Susan reassured her, You wouldn't be human if you didn't. It is that fear that will keep you alive. The trick though is to not let it cloud your judgement. I thought you had been trained to face terror?  
There is a difference between personal demons and waiting to put your life on the line. Marie swallowed, I just hope that I don't disappoint you.  
Susan squeezed her shoulder. I have never yet been disappointed by a Ranger. Your training will take over when the shooting starts. Trust me, I've done this before.  
They shared a smile, then Marie turned back to her control panel and Susan returned back to her seat. She didn't feel the need to pace anymore.

Eventually, it was announced that a jump point was forming. Ivanova turned to the front viewport, waiting to see how many Whitestars would emerge. Out from the swirl of blue came, not the flowing lines of the Ranger ships that she was familiar with, but two bows of unknown design. The ships that finally appeared were completely new to her. Long, thin and tri tailed, they reminded Ivanova a little of arrows, except she had never seen arrows as enormous as those. The ships dwarfed her own.  
What are they? she asked no one in particular.  
It's the _Excalibur_ and _Victory_! Marie almost shouted, and then at Ivanova's puzzled look breathlessly explained. They're the new destroyers that the Alliance are developing. I didn't think they would be ready yet.  
Ivanova decided to leave other questions for later. Sheridan had arrived. That meant that the enemy would not be far behind.  
Put communications on main speaker. She ordered. Time to find out what they were up against.  
This is General Yuri Mikhailovich Denisov of the _Hermes_ to _Excalibur_, do you copy? The bored voice of the fleet commander was heard on the bridge.  
Confirmed _Hermes_. That was Sheridan. The relief Ivanova felt when she heard his voice surprised her.  
We are all here as you requested, but so far we have seen nothing. The General obviously did not believe the Presidents warning. Idiot!' thought Ivanova.  
Sheridan too was desperate to make him understand. The Russian though continued on,  
Certainly, on behalf of the Russian Consortium which has lost many of our citizens in recent conflicts, it is our hope that this exercise...  
This is no exercise. Sheridan interrupted.  
At that point, time ran out for explanations as the proximity alarm announced the arrival of the enemy. Multiple jump points formed and hundreds of angular spiky ships spilled into real space.  
Oh Hell! Ivanova recognised them, It's the Drakh.  
The bridge crew looked up at her exclamation. Ivanova did not know if they had been briefed about the Shadow's former allies.  
What's that? Lieutenant Collins asked, pointing to a dark patch behind the enemy ships. Ivanova looked and immediately felt her blood run cold. She believed that she had seen the last of the horrors of the Shadow war, but what was approaching was something that had haunted her nightmares.  
It's a deathcloud.  
The arrival of the Drakh had the desired effect on General Denisov, as he did not comment when Sheridan resumed speaking.  
General, listen to me. The fleet is not our main concern. Leave them to the defence grid. The deathcloud itself is the real danger. Now, they will try to knock your fleet aside to position their planet killer where it can strike. You have got to prevent that from happening.  
What do you want me to do? The General asked.  
Captain Anderson and I have the best chance of taking it out. Give us a flying wedge of ships to punch a hole through their defences. Then get us within striking range of that thing.  
Then what?  
Then we kill it somehow.  
Ivanova ordered Cole to take up position as the two new destroyers turned to face the oncoming ships and the rest of the fleet closed ranks.  
Heat up weapons, She ordered, Concentrate main fire to forward. We're going to head into the heart of them.  
And so they did. Wave after wave of Drakh fighters came at them, recklessly attacking, almost suicidal in their attempt to delay the Earth ships. Again and again the _Titans_ shot them out of the sky. Ivanova concentrated on the tactical readout, directing the fire to where it was needed most. The flying she left to Ranger Cole who had been ordered to stay in formation with the _Excalibur_ and _Victory_, no matter what came at them. The young woman, now that she was in the middle of a battle, showed none of her former fear. Ivanova had been right about her training.  
Part of Ivanova was still listening to the _Excalibur's_ frequency, which had remained on the main speakers. She picked up that Sheridan was scanning the deathcloud so as to be able to see inside it; then when he succeeded, she ordered communications to get the information. Her pilot would need that information to be able to fly them in and out.  
As they entered the deathcloud, the incoming fire became more intense. Drakh ships were attacking from every side and their guns could not take them all out. Added to that were the defence systems of the deathcloud itself. Fire was getting through and reports of hits and casualties began to be logged. Ivanova sent up a silent prayer, then gritted her teeth as another hit rocked the ship.  
Come on Sheridan, she muttered, Do something! They didn't have much time left.  
Then a target was identified and the two destroyers moved ahead of the fleet.  
Let them go Cole, Ivanova ordered, We need to watch their backs. Plus they would need to be clear if something went wrong.  
Aye sir. The order was acknowledged.  
Another shot hit the _Titans_ but Ivanova almost didn't notice it as she watched the destroyers come under heavy fire. There was an explosion from one of them.  
Which ship was that? she asked. It looked serious. Were they badly damaged?  
A sudden explosion ripped into the bridge. Flattening Ivanova against the nearest bulkhead and knocking all the breath out of her. Someone screamed and then everybody began shouting at once.  
Ivanova shook her head to try and get her thoughts moving. Sparks and smoke were everywhere.  
Fire control! she barked,   
Get your people moving.' That was the phrase that she remembered from officer training. Don't give them the chance to panic.' She pushed herself away from the wall and scanned the bridge, taking in the situation for herself. Some of the electrics seemed to be out, but extinguishers were smothering the fires and the superstructure seemed to be sound.  
Stations report.  
Ivanova leaned against her chair as she mentally ticked off the duty stations. Ops, tactical, communications. Navigation? Marie had not reported.  
Ivanova spun towards the front of the bridge. The explosion had flung the Ranger back in her seat and there she had remained, head back, eyes closed, half her face covered in blood.

To be continued...


	7. Part 7

**Part 7**

"Marie!"  
Susan stumbled across the bridge, her legs giving way beneath her so that she landed on her knees beside the pilot's chair. Desperately, she shook the woman, looking for a response; any response.  
"Marie! Wake up!" She yelled. "Marie!"  
Nothing.  
Susan stared in disbelief. This couldn't be happening again. She couldn't lose another person that she cared about; no way could she be that unlucky; could she? Was she still cursed to live out her life alone and unloved?  
She reached out and caressed Marie's face. Life was so unfair. She had only just begun to learn about this young woman, so hopeful even after all that life had thrown at her. Now her dreams would be unrealised. She hadn't even signed up for this battle; it was only by Susan's invitation that she had been on the _Titans_ at all.  
Susan began to cry. It was all her fault.  
A bright flash from outside the ship penetrated her grief.  
"My God!" someone gasped, "They've rammed it."  
Susan stared blindly out of the viewscreen. What was happening?  
"Captain," Lieutenant Collins was beside her, "We have to get out. It's collapsing."  
She could see the deathcloud's missiles firing and exploding. One narrowly missed the _Titans_. One of the Alliance destroyers had turned and was coming towards them. Susan hazily took it all in, but her mind refused to process any rational thoughts.  
With his captain's silence, Collins took control. He looked at the young woman in the pilot's chair. Was she dead?  
He felt for a pulse whilst he leaned his cheek close to her mouth.  
There! The very slight movement of air confirmed it. She was breathing.  
He signalled to another crewman to help him lift Marie from the chair.  
"Gently," he ordered, "She's still alive."  
The phrase entered Susan's mind like a ppg blast, the shokwave of relief nearly making her black out. Alive. Marie was alive. She sat on the floor and closed her eyes. She wasn't cursed.  
Another explosion sent a shudder through the ship and brought Susan back to her senses. She had to get her crew to safety.  
"Let me take her," she said to Collins, relieving him of Marie's unconscious form, "Get us out of here; full speed."  
The Lieutenant was in the pilot's seat before she had finished and turning the ship. Alongside the _Excalibur_, they raced for the join in the deathcloud's superstructure, barely making it through the diminishing gap. The deathcloud exploded behind them.  
"Good flying Collins." She said, then looked down at Marie cradled in her arms. She could see now the small movement of her chest as she breathed. "We did it Marie," she whispered, "We saved the Earth."

But they hadn't.  
It was later that Susan learnt of the Drakh plague. The scientists were still analysing it when the news reached the fleet of the quarantine. She immediately granted access to all the crew to contact any relatives or friends that they had on Earth. She only knew Stephen, and as he was likely to be busy, she didn't try and reach him. There would be time for that later.  
Most of the time that they remained in Earth's orbit, Susan was in the medbay with Marie. It was there that Sheridan found her the day after the Drakh attack.  
"How is she?" he asked after he had hugged Susan, "I came across as soon as I saw her name on the list of injured."  
Susan looked at Marie. She was sleeping now, her calm appearance belying how serious her condition really was.  
"Concussion, a gash to the head and a few flash burns." Susan made light of the injuries. No need to have Sheridan worrying unnecessarily. "My doctor says that she will be able to get up in a couple of days, if she takes it easy."  
"It sound's like she was lucky." John said.  
"She's as tough as her Father," Susan observed, "And you know what it took to get rid of him."  
John studied Susan, unsure as to what she meant by that statement, but she was smiling, lost in her own thoughts. He decided not to inquire further, but it was an improvement over the last time they had met. She was more like her old self.  
"Can I speak to her?" He asked, indicating Marie.  
"Of course." She gently shook the younger woman. "You have a visitor." Susan said as Marie stirred.  
"Who?" Then she opened her eyes, "Mr. President! What are you doing here?" Marie struggled to sit up and winced at the effort.  
"Lie still." John ordered, "I came to see how my favourite babysitter is doing. You know, when we told you to take a year out, we didn't mean for you to get half killed in a battle."  
"It was my own fault," Marie explained, "I got distracted and didn't see the ship that hit us. I would have got out of the way otherwise."  
It took John a second before he understood,  
"You were piloting the _Titans_?" He looked on Marie with admiration. "Wait until I tell David."  
"How is he?"  
"Missing you. He doesn't want to listen to my bedtime stories anymore."  
Marie smiled, "Tell him that I miss him too."  
"Why don't you come back with me to see him?" John suggested. "Delenn would love to see you as well, and you could recuperate for a couple of weeks before resuming your travels."  
Marie smiled as she considered the idea, but shook her head, "Thank you; but we agreed that I would stay away from Minbar for a year. I have to be back on Mars in a couple of days anyway."  
"Well, if you're sure?" John waited to see if she would change her mind. She didn't. "You take care of yourself," he continued, "Delenn would never forgive me if you got yourself killed. Send us a letter occasionally, and promise to let us know if you need any help."  
Marie laughed, "I promise. But I have all the help I need at the moment." She smiled at Susan.  
They talked for a little longer, Marie inquiring after her various friends and hearing the latest news from the Ranger camp. Soon a message came through, that the _Excalibur_ was waiting for the President's return. Susan escorted him to his shuttle.  
"Where are you going next?" John asked his former first officer.  
"I'm going back to Mars for repairs." Susan replied, "I expect to be there for some time." She stopped walking and faced the President, "This has hurt Earth John. Not only did we lose ships we are unable to replace at the moment; far too many Earthforce personnel are trapped because of this quarantine. Half of my crew are down there. We are in a mess."  
"You'll get through it." John tried to reassure her, "No one's in a major war at the moment, although you can never count on the Centauri."  
That made Susan laugh.  
"That's better." Said John as they resumed walking, "You were looking too serious, although this plague is no laughing matter."  
"Do you know what it is yet?"  
"The bioweapons division is still working on it, but indications are that it is beyond anything that we can cure without help."  
"What are you going to do?"  
"We're going to send the _Excalibur_ out to search for a cure. You've been in contact with the First Ones Susan. Maybe they left something behind when they left that could help us."  
"You're clutching at straws." Susan advised.  
"I know," John admitted, "But we can't sit back and do nothing."  
"Are the Rangers going to crew the _Excalibur_?"  
"No. They will be investigating various leads, but I want an Earth crew on _Excalibur_. It is our planet that needs saving."  
"You'll have a tough job finding a crew," Susan warned. "As I said, your choices have just become limited."  
"I know." John paused, "Which is why I'm asking you to take command."  
Susan stopped and looked at John.  
"What?" she asked. The man in front of her grinned the way he always did when he sprung a surprise.  
"I am offering you the command of the most advanced destroyer ever made." He looked at her expectantly.  
"I'm flattered," Susan was flustered and tried to buy time, "But why me?"  
"Oh come on Susan. You are the most obvious choice." John started to count the points off on his fingers, "You have tackled more unknown situations out there than most Earthforce captains; you will not give up once you have set your mind on something; you are one of the best officers that I have ever served with; I would trust you with my life. Shall I go on?"  
"No." Susan was smiling again. "It is a very tempting offer, and under any other circumstances I would jump at the chance, but I will have to decline."  
"What!" John stared at her in disbelief. He tried to find something to say, but could only come out with, "Why?"  
Susan took a breath to gather her thoughts. "Everything you said about me is true, and it means a lot that you trust me, but at this moment in my life, I'm not sure if I could live up to it."  
John started to speak, but Susan held up a hand to stop him.  
"My life has been a complete mess for the past five years, and you know why." John nodded. "I have just begun to pull myself out of the fog I was in, and I have a long way to go. I don't think I am ready again just yet to take on that kind of responsibility. I also owe it to my ship and crew here to show them what kind of captain I can really be. It's the least they deserve. If I took command of the _Excalibur_ it would look like I was running out on them."  
John sighed, "Well, I'm not going to say that I'm disappointed," He paused, "Yes, I am disappointed. But, I do understand why Susan. I don't know where I'm going to find a captain as capable as you; I was counting on you saying yes."  
"Sorry John." Susan playfully commiserated with him, "I need to stay here. You haven't forgotten that Vorlon ship sitting in one of my docking bays have you?"  
"I had actually." He said, then after a pause, "Is that a new hairstyle you're wearing?"

The _Excalibur_ left the next day for Babylon Five and the _Titans_ returned to Mars for repairs. They were also to wait for new crew assignments. That was likely to take longer than the repairs, as no ship was unaffected by the Drakh attack. Among the crew Susan had lost, was her first officer. She wondered who Earthforce could get to volunteer to serve under the Ice Maiden. Many of her remaining crew were promoted, including Collins, whom Susan personally recommended after his actions during the battle.  
The manpower shuffling Susan left to the Generals. She concentrated on getting her ship back into shape. The destroyers that had been stranded in Mars orbit were luckily unharmed so at least they wouldn't be completely defenceless whilst the _Titans_ was out of commission. It was going to be a long job as they had taken quite a battering; a percentage of the outer hull required repair or replacement, and most of the ship's systems had components that had blown.  
Their extended stay did have some advantages. It meant that Marie did not have to be moved from the ship's medbay before she had recovered sufficiently, and a call from Captain Ivanova insured that there were no problems about her taking the college test from her bed. Two weeks later, she received the good news that she had been offered a place on the course of her choice.  
After they had finished celebrating, Susan escorted Marie to the docking bay. It was time to say goodbye.  
"I don't know how to thank you for everything you've done." Marie said.  
"I wouldn't have said I'd done that much." Susan answered.  
"If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have got into college." "I hate bureaucrats; that's all." Susan grinned, "And it was fun."  
"Thank you anyway. I'll try not to disappoint you."  
"I don't think you will; just remember to have some fun whilst you're there."   
There was a shout from the private shuttle in front of them. They looked up to see Michael Garibaldi waving at them from the hatch.  
"Michael!" Susan shouted back, "I didn't know you were back from Babylon Five."  
"Got in last night." Michael said as he came down the steps to meet them. "Sounds like you had some fun here while I was away."  
"Sorry you missed it."  
"Oh, I didn't miss it all." Michael grinned, "Are you all packed Marie?"  
"Yes," Marie answered awkwardly, her shyness resurfacing. "Thank you for inviting me to stay with you Mr. Garibaldi."  
"Hey, call me Michael. Mister I keep for business."  
Marie nodded, but said nothing. Susan broke into the silence,  
"It is kind of you to help. I was worried when my doctor said Marie shouldn't live on her own until she's completely well."  
"No problem," Michael said, "It was Lise who suggested it. I think she gets lonely in that big house sometimes."  
"Has John found a captain for the _Excalibur_ yet?" Susan asked as Marie and Michael climbed into the shuttle.  
"Some guy called Gideon." Michael replied, "A smartass of a captain. Reminds me of you."  
"I'm flattered" Susan smiled. "You take care of Marie now."  
"Will do."  
"Bye Susan!" Marie called from her seat, "I'll keep in touch."  
"You'd better." Susan called back.  
"Hey _Titans_!" Michael activated the shuttle's communications, "Have I got clearance for this thing?"  
Susan retreated to a safe distance and waved the shuttle off. She was still standing, lost in her thoughts when a lieutenant found her a few minutes later.  
"Captain?" she nervously approached.  
"Yes, what is it." Susan turned with a smile. Her crew were still apprehensive around her although hopefully that would change.  
"Some of the new crew are about to dock."  
"Good. They will have a couple of days to settle in before we break orbit. Any news on a first officer?"  
"He's also on the shuttle"  
"Excellent! I'll go meet him."

Susan studied her crew as the disembarked the shuttle. Some were little more than cadets but she was glad to have enough people to run the ship efficiently again.  
The last of the crewmen passed her and she drew herself up into her most impressive pose, ready to meet her new second in command. She intended to be intimidating at first and only relax later when she found out what kind of officer she had been sent. She was also nervous and this was the best way to hide it.  
She took a deep breath as someone stepped through the shuttle's hatch and started down the steps. As he halted and saluted, Susan's intimidating pose collapsed and a grin spread across her face.  
"Commander Corwin reporting for duty." He announced.  
"David!" Susan almost shouted in delight. "What are you doing here?"  
"Because of the shortage of experienced officers at the moment," Corwin explained, "All former Earthforce personnel that are on Babylon Five were given the chance to rejoin with full rank and privileges. I haven't served on a ship for years so I thought I'd take them up on the offer."  
"It is certainly good to see you again." Susan picked up one of David's bags and began to walk.  
"Thank you Captain." He followed a step behind Susan.  
"Call me Susan when you're off duty." She paused to let him catch up. "That's an order."  
"Yes Captain..Susan."  
Susan grinned again, "That's better. Now let me show you around." 

To be continued...


	8. Part 8

**Part 8**

Ship life began again for Susan; and this time she really did live instead of just going automatically through the motions. Corwin had grown since she had last seen him, in stature, in confidence, in authority. He smoothly slipped into the role of first officer, quickly gathering respect and admiration from the crew. His efficient command of the daily duties made Susan's job a delight and she began to enjoy herself.  
It took him a little longer to relax around Susan, and she took a sadistic pleasure in making Corwin jump at odd moments, sneaking up on him silently. He obviously hadn't lost his lieutenant's fear, which Susan had instilled in everyone who had served on B5.  
When she told Marie about Corwin in her regular messages, the younger woman sent back a scolding reply.  
"You shouldn't really make fun of David; he seemed a lovely man when I met him on the station. Don't get me wrong, I've pulled some interesting practical jokes in my time, and you know what Dad was like, but this is just teasing. It's hard enough coming into an environment where you don't know anyone, without being the butt of a joke. If he is as good an officer as you say, then you should start treating him as one, not an easy victim. I hope he gets you back."  
Susan was a little shocked. Marie was such a quiet person that she couldn't understand this uncharacteristic outburst. That was until she remembered what Marie had said about being bullied at school.  
"Wonderful Ivanova," she mentally kicked herself, "You've stuck your great big Russian boot right in it again."  
Her next transmission to Mars went through a number of revisions before Susan felt confident enough to send it. She apologised as best she could and hoped that Marie would forgive her; plus she started having breakfast with Corwin.  
It proved to be the best decision she made that year, as their relationship developed into the kind of friendship she had shared with John and Michael. Briefings and strategy sessions became informal discussions over coffee from Susan's private supply and their conversations often strayed from the matter in hand. Each officer discovered the person hiding within the other, and as a result their mutual respect and trust grew.  
"It's something I'd never appreciated before." Susan recorded to Marie late one evening, "Even though the captain is the ultimate authority on a ship, they are still part of a team. I had forgotten about that, along with everything else that is important. Is it really less than a year ago that I told myself that I needed no one else? I couldn't imagine running this ship without David now. Actually, I never want to be without a friend within close reach. How did I survive those five years?" Susan paused as she reflected on a time that seemed just a strange dream.  
"Thank you for pointing out how stupid I was." She continued, "You have my permission to tear into me whenever it is appropriate. I must tell David that as well," she leaned into the monitor as if she was afraid someone would overhear, "He's still a little scared of me, which is sweet, but don't tell him I said so."  
Susan settled back with a smile, "He has five sisters you know. Poor guy, it's no wonder he's frightened of women. I've discovered that he's a big fan of Reboo and Zooty; does a scarily good impression of them. I'm thinking of getting him to entertain us at Christmas, wherever we'll be.  
"It's very unlikely that I'll get to visit this winter, but I'm definitely putting in for leave for next year's vacation; if you can fit me around all your assignments. Good luck with college by the way. I want to hear all about it next week. All the gory details, the parties, the boys, you know the kind of thing."

Marie threw herself into college work with a vengeance. In fact, she would have been living in the library if Susan had not ordered her to get a social life, after which she joined a martial arts class and the theatrical society.  
The universe settled into a nice rhythm. The _Titans_ patrolled around the Earth colonies, dealt with raiders, kept their eyes open for a plague cure, and ran the occasional errand for Earth Gov. Susan was content to be exactly where she was. The little voice inside her insisted on saying that chaos would rear its head at some point, but she firmly ignored it. In fact, for the first time in Susan's adult life, she was not fighting a war or running from something. Her day-to-day existence was boringly normal, only interrupted by the kind of surprises boring normal people have, like when Marie sent Susan a Christmas present.  
The delivery was slightly unusual, as the plain wrapped parcel had been given into the custody of the Rangers to be transported. As a result it passed from ship to ship in a strange relay of couriers. Eventually, a Whitestar was passing close enough to the _Titans_ for Susan to receive the package. When she broke the vacuum seal, she little expected what would happen next.  
The parcel exploded in a fountain of material, which floated down to completely cover Susan's desk. She stared in amazement at the patchwork quilt spread out before her. The pattern was a copy of one that she and Marie had seen on Mars, but the material was all of the finest Minbari silk. Shimmering pinks, blues, golds: hand sewn into a starburst arrangement. Susan ran a hand over the luxurious fabric, marvelling at the hours of work Marie must have put into it.  
It was only when she was folding the quilt up, that she noticed an envelope pinned to one corner. In it was a data crystal and a note.  
_Happy Hanukkah Susan! You did say you always wanted a quilt. Enclosed is a copy of Dad's final message. Keep it until you are ready. M._  
It was the first time David had seen her cry.

So the years passed. Susan and Marie continued their lives, sharing with each other the good and bad times in a relationship that had brought them closer than sisters. Susan though found herself taking on the parental position as Marie's guide and role model, comforting her over her first broken heart then watching her grow into her own woman to find love with a student that shared her passion for music. Susan's proudest moment was giving Marie away at her wedding, tempered slightly by the longing both of them felt that Marcus should have been there.  
Together they celebrated Susan's promotions, although tinged with sadness when she finally handed the _Titans_ over to Corwin and took up an office on Earth. The move did mean that Susan was based in one place and could have Marie and Ian to stay between their trips. The couple had both joined a deep space exploration company after graduating and often spent months away surveying planets for their mineral wealth. Marie never had rejoined the Rangers, although she still considered Minbar her home.  
Twelve years after their first meeting Susan was at home one evening, waiting for a message. Only the day before she had been promoted to General and had immediately sent the good news off to a system that was just a dot on the star charts. She was expecting an interesting reply as Marie always made her congratulations special. When she had been made a Major General, Marie and Ian had greeted her with a rendition of the Sullivan song, with a few alterations. Susan smiled at the memory, then looked up from her paperwork as the computer sounded an incoming message.  
"There she is." She thought to herself.  
But it wasn't.  
"Sorry to disturb you Susan," It was General Jackson, a colleague of Susan's and her closest friend after Marie and Stephen. "You didn't disturb me," Susan bit back her impatience, "I was just waiting for a message from Marie."  
"Ah.. That's what I called you about."  
Susan's chest immediately tightened. Something had happened. She gripped the arm of her chair and listened to her friend. She heard the words; she understood them; but they were not being told to her. They were being told to another Ivanova in another universe. Susan was just eavesdropping on this reality; she wasn't really here.  
Marie and Ian's ship had been surveying a planet in a disputed sector of space. Just as they were there, the two races involved decided to launch into a full-scale war. Communication had been lost with their ship and the local governments were not being co-operative. Skirmishes were proving so frequent that all races not involved in the conflict had been ordered to avoid the area. Reconnaissance by a local EA ship indicted that Marie would have been caught in the middle of a firefight; and at the moment, no trace of them could be found.  
From her distant elsewhere place, Susan watched the other Ivanova thank the General for letting her know, and terminate the connection.  
Then she sat.  
Slowly, Susan seeped back into her reality. She felt the heartbreak hum around her in the air. She could not deny it.  
Marie was lost.  
She could not deny it, but she would not accept it. Susan pulled in every ounce of privilege that her rank gained her and put in a gold channel message to the _Titans_. Corwin was only too glad to divert course to the planet Marie was last seen. After that, Susan contacted Delenn and requested help from the Rangers. Within hours, Susan was speeding through hyperspace on a Whitestar, not knowing what she would do when she reached her destination, but knowing that she had to do something. She owed it to Marie and Ian, to herself, and to Marcus.

To be continued.. 


	9. Part 9

**Part 9**

For three days Susan did not sleep. She had tried, but even on the flat bed that had been provided for her, slumber would not come. She took to pacing the corridors of the Whitestar, quietly padding like a wraith around the ship. Occasionally she would stop at the bridge, stand staring blankly out into hyperspace for an hour; maybe two, then continue her rounds. The longer serving Rangers knew not to disturb her and the others soon learnt the same.  
Plan after plan had been formed in her head, but Susan had no idea what would be awaiting them. She had acted on gut instinct when she had received the news and so was unprepared. Some reports had been directed their way, but the gathered information was sketchy at best; conflicting most often.  
On exiting hyperspace just outside the disputed system, Susan immediately shuttled across to the _Titans_. Her former ship had arrived a few hours earlier and had been conducting scans of the area. Space was quiet as the firefights, which had begun the war, had burnt themselves out and Susan surmised that the two sides were formulating their next moves. Corwin had also determined the last known point of Marie's ship and its likely landing spot on the planet it had been in orbit of. It was decided not to draw attention to themselves by approaching in the Warlock or the Whitestar, but to send in a number of Starfuries and Minbari fighters who could spread out and search the area in less time.  
An hour later, Ivanova was strapped into Corwin's Starfury, five volunteer pilots awaiting her command to launch and eight Rangers holding formation in the area between the two ships.  
Ivanova toggled the last few switches and opened a channel to the _Titan's_ bridge, "This is Alpha leader requesting permission to launch."  
"Clear to launch Alpha leader," Corwin answered. For a moment time slipped back nearly twenty years to Babylon 5; Commander requesting permission from Lieutenant. It had been so long yet some things did not change. "Good luck General." Corwin's addition reminded Susan just how unusual and very unofficial their mission was.  
"Thank you Captain." Susan did not know what she would have done if David had not been there. There was no one else in Earthforce who would risk their ship and crew at her request. The Rangers dared not send any more Whitestars in fear of appearing un-neutral, so they needed the firepower of the _Titans_ if they had to fight their way out.  
Ivanova ordered the other Starfuries,  
"Alpha wing Launch!"  
As the acceleration pushed her back into her restraints, her heart thumped a little faster and Susan felt once more the thrill of space beneath her feet. Her soul was a space bird, born to fly free in vacuum. Why had she allowed herself to be fettered to a desk?  
She allowed herself a moment's indulgence before setting her mind to the task at hand. Marie.  
"All ships report in." Ivanova took note of the positions of the vessels as they stated their designations. They had formed up behind her ready to enter the hostile zone, Starfuries and Minbari fighters integrating with out a single word being broadcast.  
"OK people," Ivanova signalled, "Keep a heads up for enemy craft. Follow me in."  
She activated her burners and headed the mixed group of ships towards the seemingly deserted planet.  
They maintained radio silence during the passage across the system until they had established a low orbit, at which point Ivanova allocated each ship a sector of the surface to search. They would have a recorded message broadcasting on all frequencies, and scanners directed fully at the planet to pick up any signal, voice or beacon. Ivanova herself would remain in orbit to co-ordinate the search and contact the Whitestar for an extraction when they found the downed ship with Marie and Ian. When, not if. Ivanova refused to allow the possibility that she would not find them to enter her mind. She had to stay alert, as hers were the only scanners directed away from the planet ready to warn them of approaching ships. She could not afford the luxury of emotion yet.  
For three hours they searched and it seemed that they had covered only a fraction of the area. Ivanova dared not spread the fighters further apart. The coverage must be complete; they must miss nothing. She listened to the hiss of the radio, straining to hear the faintest of signals, willing there to be something. Anything. One by one, the ships completed their searches and reported back to Alpha Leader. Ivanova assigned them all new areas, and the search continued.  
Eventually, they would have to return to the _Titans_ for refuelling and rest, resuming the search later. But for how long?  
John and Delenn had not hesitated to send help from Minbar, and Ivanova knew enough of the right people in EarthGov to ensure that there would not be court-martials waiting for them, but she only had a few days grace. The politics of the situation would demand that they be recalled the moment they were discovered or she would risk an interstellar incident. An official request could be submitted to the local government for a search, but they all knew that the innocent were the first victims in a war.  
Silence. That was all they found. No signal, no beacon, no wreckage. There wasn't a single piece of evidence that a ship had crashed anywhere on the planet. Ivanova knew that their information was not wrong. Marie had to be there somewhere.  
Bleep.  
Ivanova looked up at her display. A ship had appeared on the scanner.  
Bleep. Bleep.  
"Computer. Identify."  
"Jitarbi fighters."  
Great. That was one of the races involved in the conflict.  
"Heading?"  
"Intercept."  
Damn! They'd been spotted.  
Bleep. Bleep.  
Five. It only took one to signal for help. Time for them to leave. Ivanova gave the order, holding her feelings of betrayal firmly in check as she spoke the words.  
"Alpha wing, this is Alpha Leader. Break off search and return to base. I repeat; break off and return to base."  
Immediately, the small ships turned and burned their way out of the atmosphere. Within a few minutes they were at full speed heading away from the planet and the incoming fighters. It was a situation that went against everything Ivanova believed in and she knew the Rangers felt the same way.   
As they retreated, Susan silently sent a message out into the ether. 'I am not giving up on you Marie. I will return, I promise.'  
When they docked, it was clear that everyone felt the failure. The bridge officer gave them clearance with out a 'welcome back' and the fighter support crews set about their work in silence.  
Ivanova climbed wearily from her Starfury, but could move no further. With one hand against the ship for support, she numbly accepted the condolences and apologies from the other pilots. Then into her view came Corwin.  
"Susan."  
He said nothing more. Susan looked at the face of her friend, and all the barriers that she had held in place with desperate hope began to crumble. She hid her face in her hand, not trusting herself to speak. David waited patiently until she once more looked up, tears already beginning to flow.  
"I failed her David." Was all she was able to say before her voice cracked.  
Captain held out hand to General. Susan took the offered support of her friend and once in the privacy of David's office, she released all check on her feelings and cried. She cried from frustration, from failure, from grief. She cried until she felt she felt she had washed out her soul.  
When she finally looked up, Susan found David still sitting there with her.  
"Thank you." She said.  
"For what?"  
"For not saying anything."  
"There was nothing I could have said."  
Susan smiled then, an action that surprised even her.  
"Did you find anything out there?" David enquired.  
"Nothing. That's what so strange. There should have been something; debris, an exhaust trail, something. Are you sure we had the right planet?"  
"Positive."  
"Then something is very wrong here." Susan pressed the heel of her hand into her eyes and shook her head. "But I can't do anything about it. They're out there somewhere David, and I can't get to them."  
"If there is a way to survive, Marie will find it. Remember Susan, she was trained by the best."  
Susan nodded. She was glad David was there to remind her of those facts. She was feeling so lost that it was a relief to have anything to hold on to.  
"What do we do now?" David asked.  
Susan sighed, "I was going to ask you that, because as of this moment in time, I have no idea. I suppose I should go back to Earth. Ian's family will need to be told."  
"The _Titans_ is at your service."  
Susan shook her head, "Thank you David, but I will not risk you or your crew further. You have already done more than you should. The Whitestar is expecting me."  
"Then I shall order a shuttle to be prepared."

On Susan's return to the Whitestar, she found a communication waiting for her from Minbar. John passed on messages of condolence from Delenn and the Rangers and then brought her up to speed on the political front.  
"I've just had a very irate ambassador in my office complaining about unauthorised ships in their space. I managed to placate him, after a little persuasion, and he is not going to make a formal objection, for now. You have nothing to worry about over this incident, but because of this damn diplomacy any future excursions, even unofficial ones, must be strictly curtailed.  
"I'm asking you as a friend Susan, please don't go after Marie until this war is over. The Alliance is doing everything it can to find a solution, and any action you take may endanger thousands of lives. As soon as we are able, we shall mount an official search, but until that time, I must ask you to be patient."  
John sighed in frustration.  
"I know just how you feel Susan. I want to shoot them between their smug eyes when they won't let us send even one ship in. It's a good job they don't let me have a PPG anymore, or I would have done just that. Delenn is talking to them now. If anyone can sweet-talk them onto our side, it's her.  
"We'll let you know the moment anything happens. Until then, keep yourself well, and we expect you to visit sometime."  
The return journey began and once more Susan was unable to sleep. This time it was not worry that robbed her of rest, but the emptiness of her heart. Pain she could cope with; her heart had been broken so many times before she could just close herself to it. This was worse, the nothingness. There was nothing she could feel, so there was nothing to shut out.  
Was this how a mother felt? Certainly there was a chasm now in Susan's life. She could see nothing in the coming days, where before it had been so clear; all the plans and dreams.  
Marie's plans. Marie's dreams.  
It had all been hers. Nothing had been Susan's, and now that was all she had.  
Not wanting to be among others yet, Susan avoided the bridge and instead made her way to the ship's chapel. Little more than a meditation room, the space was set out in typical Minbari style. There was an altar and seating for a maximum of six people, although Susan had never seen more than two Rangers at a time within its confines. She went there for the silence, knowing that it was the one place she would be guaranteed to not be disturbed.  
She hesitated on the threshold. There was someone already there, a Minbari Ranger, meditating with their back towards the entrance. Susan turned to leave, she would return later.  
"Please do not go on my account." The Minbari lifted his head, but did not look at Susan. "If you wish to be alone, honoured Ni'fa, then I shall resume my prayers at another time."  
Ni'fa. That was an honorary title. Susan had heard it only when referring to female clan leaders. She understood that it translated as 'Our Mother'.  
"Why did you call me that?" she stepped inside the chapel and approached the Minbari, still facing away from her.  
"It is what she named you. I call you that now because she was my sister in the Anla'shok; sister to us all."  
"I don't deserve it."  
"She named you Ni'fa. I use the title in memory of her, and in respect to you, General Ivanova."  
Only then did he turn and bow to her.  
"Do you wish to be alone, honoured Ni'fa?" the enquiry was repeated.  
Susan glanced at the items arranged on the floor in front of the Minbari; a candle, some incense and a photo. It was of Marie.  
"But you are performing Ish'ara." Susan stammered slightly as she recognised the ritual for a departed soul. "I cannot ask you to stop."  
"Then you are welcome to join me."  
He indicated for her to sit.  
"I am not familiar with your ways," she began to apologise.  
"That is not required."  
Susan settled herself on the floor.  
"Who are you?" she asked, curious as Ish'ara was traditionally performed by a family member. This Minbari had obviously been a friend of Marie's, yet Susan did not recognise him.  
"I am Sennal. I trained with Marie."  
Susan nodded, "She has spoken of you often."  
Sennal bowed again, then resumed the meditation position. Again Susan's curiosity got the better of her.  
"Do you think she is dead?"  
The Minbari's eyes remained closed as he explained.  
"Ish'ara is a prayer for a soul, not necessarily one that has passed beyond. I pray that Marie's will be kept from harm and eventually guided home. Which home it will choose, no one knows. Ish'ara is also a time for remembering and delighting in the moments of joy they have given us, and understanding the times of sadness. It is these moments that help shape what we are because all our lives are intertwined.  
"Remember her please, honoured Ni'fa, and I will pray for us both."  
He lapsed into silence. Susan watched for a while, before doing as Sennal suggested and began to remember Marie, beginning at their almost disastrous first meeting. As she remembered, Susan marvelled at Marie's determination to live life to the full. Despite her many personal tragedies, or perhaps because of them, she never gave up. She may not have chosen the most reckless paths, but she always went forwards. How she managed to find the strength that Susan herself had often lacked was probably down to her beliefs. Her faith was unshakable and wherever she was now, it would keep her moving onwards.  
Susan found herself praying. At first the words were unformed, then she began to recite the words she learnt in her own childhood.  
Sennal glanced sideways at the sound of Hebrew chanting, then with a satisfied smile returned to his own prayers.  
When Susan woke, she was surprised to find she had been asleep. Cursing in Russian, she disentangled her cramped limbs and sat up. She was still in the chapel, and Sennal was still meditating.  
"Have you been there all night?" She rolled her shoulders, feeling her neck muscles click. For a fleeting moment, she wondered if she was getting too old to sleep rough.  
"I have been praying for two days."  
"Two days!" Susan jumped up. "How close are we to Earth?"  
"There are yet three hours before we leave hyperspace. Please eat something. I had these prepared for you." He held out a tray on which there was a variety of food.  
Susan took the tray with a bow and began to seriously demolish the dishes. With the search, worry and praying, she genuinely could not remember the last time she had eaten.  
"I'm sorry I fell asleep." She mumbled.  
"Do not apologise. It was what your soul required."  
One eyebrow raised, Susan studied Sennal.  
"Are you always this spiritual?" She asked.  
"I was until I met Marie."  
Susan nodded. She could understand that.

A memorial service was held a week later. It had been organised on the request of Ian's family, but they had asked her to speak. It was the hardest thing she had ever done and once the formalities were finished Susan had escaped back to her own apartment.  
Closing the door on the world, Susan tore off her dress uniform and pored herself a vodka. Damn them all. They all considered them dead, and had given up all thought of finding them. She was not going to give up.  
"They're not dead. They're not dead." Her chant crescendoed as she finally let her frustration and anger free. They wouldn't be dead until she found their ship and their bodies. She was not ready to say goodbye.  
Susan walked around the couple's room. It still smelt of them and held almost all of their possessions. Susan was loathed to disturb anything, but she supposed she should let Ian's family take what they wanted.  
Susan stopped next to the bed. On the dresser, Marie had placed two photos; her adoptive parents. Susan's was quite recent, but the other was twenty years old. She picked it up and gazed at the face of the Ranger. He was grinning his endearingly boyish grin with his dark hair falling into his eyes. She wondered if he would still be this handsome if he had lived?  
"I'm sorry." She said to the photo. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep her safe for you. I tried to get her back, I really tried. Can you forgive me?"  
Susan sat late into the night, draining one vodka after another and talking to the photo. Telling the man who had saved her, everything she could think of about his daughter.

Life without Marie was not as hard as Susan had feared, but it was still empty. She continued her duties because she had nothing else. When Delenn offered her the Rangers, she accepted with very few qualms, as perhaps with a new start, she would find a purpose again. She certainly found a new family. At first it was the older Minbari Rangers, but soon everyone had dispensed with her official title of Anla'shok Na, and called her nothing other than Ni'fa. Susan suspected Sennal was responsible.  
Four months after arriving at Tuzanor, Susan fell ill. It began as a cold brought on by a winter harsher than Earth's, but despite the assurances of the doctors, developed into a rare virus. All treatments were tried, but Susan did not respond. Days became weeks and she drifted further from reality. Delenn, concerned that after everything she had finally given up on life, requested Stephen to travel from Earth.  
As their clan Mother became weaker, so the Rangers prayed harder, rituals of all races practiced within the compound. Susan was unaware of the gloom that had descended outside her room, outside her bed.  
She was sleeping among clouds, where it was warm and it didn't hurt. When she woke, it was to coughing and pain, so she preferred to sleep. She knew Delenn and her Rangers were worried, but they had no need to be. She had tried to tell them that she was more comfortable sleeping, but they did not understand.  
Sleep. Yes, she wanted to remain asleep. That was when she had visitors. The friends she had said goodbye to, and her family. Here they met again; Mama, Papa and Ganya. She was meant to be with her family.  
But however much she hoped and searched, there were two faces she never saw. The two people most dearest to her heart were not there to welcome her. Where was Marie?  
And where was Marcus.  
She had to find them. She would remain here until she did.  
Here where it was warm and it didn't hurt.  
Time was meaningless, so she did not know when she heard the voice. It was a long way away, but she knew it. Marie.  
She called to the voice, and it called back, guiding her. She followed its call but the voice remained distant.  
Up. That was where the voice was, above the clouds. She went up, higher, until it hurt, until she couldn't breathe.   
Still she went higher.  
"Marie!" Susan called. How much further did she have to go?  
"I am here Susan." The voice was so close.  
"Is Marcus with you?" The pain made it difficult to speak.  
"No Ni'fa. It is not yet time to join him. I have someone who would like to meet you."  
Susan felt a weight placed on her body; a small hand grasping her finger.  
"This is William. Your Grandson."  
Grandson?  
Susan struggled up through the last of the cloud. She opened her eyes and looked down at a baby lying in her arms. He smiled at her and Susan smiled back.  
Susan then noticed the crowd around her bed. Various Minbari healers, Stephen and Delenn, both wiping tears from their eyes. Ian, looking a little underfed was standing near the door, but sitting next to her on the bed was the one she had searched for.  
"Marie?" Susan dared not hope. "You're alive?"  
"Yes Ni'fa," Marie answered through her tears of joy and relief, "We're alive."

That was the point that Susan's recovery began. With the return of Marie and a Grandchild, she regained a purpose in life, a reason to get well.  
The rescue of Marie and Ian was never explained satisfactorily. The war in the system had been resolved after two years and the first Whitestar allowed in on patrol immediately picked up a distress beacon. Marie said she had been broadcasting ever since they had crashed and although the radio was undamaged, they had received no signal until the rescue. Delenn called it one of the mysteries of the universe and left it at that. Susan was happy to agree, as Marie and Ian decided to live permanently on Minbar.  
It was a long time before Susan regained her full strength. Many visitors kept her in bed for the first week, but then she was allowed up for a little longer each day. Stephen would watch her like a hawk and at the first sign of fatigue would order her back to her room. This of course only made Susan more determined to be up and working.  
Eventually a compromise was worked out. Susan would be allowed to resume the duties of Anla'shok Na, if she rested in the evenings. This she did, taking paperwork to her bed.  
Marie began bringing William to Susan in the evenings, and soon the routine turned into story-time. A nightly tale that became a part of their lives for five years, first just Susan and William but joined in due course by her Granddaughter, Sofie.

"And they all lived happily ever after." Susan finished the tale and closed the book. "Time to go to bed now."  
William kissed his Grandmother and climbed out of the bed.  
"Come on Sofie!" he shouted.  
The little girl was snuggled down under the covers, pretending to be asleep.  
"Go away." She called. "I'm the Princess."  
William grinned, "Well I shall have to kiss you!"  
He lunged at his sister who squealed loudly and scrambled out of reach.  
"Stop it you two." Susan laughed. "Go to bed."  
They calmed down and William ran from the room. Sofie though marched around the four-poster bed, closing the curtains.  
"What are you doing?" Susan asked.  
"I'm shutting you in with a forest." The three year old declared, "Like the Princess."  
Susan studied her bed. It had been a gift from Emperor Vir when she had first come to Minbar and with its green patterned drapes and wood carved into vines, it certainly gave the impression of a forest. Sofie pulled the last curtain closed, then remembered her good night kiss and opened it again.  
Eventually, Susan was alone and she spent some time reviewing their budget for the coming year before settling down to sleep. She dreamt she was a Princess in a castle, but the bed was her own. She felt in her dream, someone creeping up to her bed, a hand reached out and drew back the material.  
Susan was awake in an instant, her PPG that was always kept under her pillow, aimed directly at the intruder by her bed. It was an alien of a race she had seen only once before but everyone on Minbar feared. A soul hunter.  
"Who have you come for?" She demanded.  
"I come to see you, Susan Ivanova."

To be continued.. 


	10. Part 10

**Part 10**

"If you come a step closer you die where you stand." Susan's aim did not waver a micrometer despite the chill that had just gripped her heart. After all the tragedies that had happened, she found that she still wanted to live. "If it is my time to die, then my Rangers have orders to ensure I die in peace. Not a single member of your vampire race is going to lay a stinking finger on my soul."   
As if on cue, although they were only responding to an intruder alarm, two Rangers entered the room.   
"Take him," Susan ordered. "Escort him back to his ship and have a Whitestar ensure that he leaves Minbari space." Then she spoke to the Soul Hunter directly once more, her voice dropping dangerously low. "You go and deliver my message, and remember that it goes for my family as well."   
The Rangers took hold of the intruder's arms and began to remove him.   
"I have a message for you Susan Ivanova." The Soul Hunter spoke calmly. "Let me deliver it, then I shall leave empty handed."   
Susan held up her free hand to halt the group. This was not what she had expected, but there could be no harm in listening. Could there?   
"Go on."   
"I did not come to take a soul; but to return one."   
What? Susan did not understand. Soul Hunters jealously guarded their collections, and they had never been known to give up a soul. Why would they be offering one to her? Warily, she asked the next question.   
"Whose is it?"   
"Marcus Cole."   
A kaleidoscope of emotions clashed within Susan making her head reel. Had she just been offered Marcus' soul? Anger and grief rose up out of the mix as Susan's finger tightened on the trigger, her voice steady as ice.   
"You lie."   
"You may inspect the soul yourself."   
Susan took a shuddering breath. She was shaking, from what she could not tell. She was still angry, but fear and anticipation were also present. Could it be possible? She had to know.   
Susan nodded her assent and the alien slowly reached into his bag to bring out a sphere. He held the glowing globe out towards Susan.   
"Look into it," he instructed, "Listen."   
Susan did so. Concentrating on the swirling colours, she felt more than heard the voice.   
"Susan."   
It was his. The tenderness she had felt all those years ago reached out to touch her own soul.   
"Can he recognise me?" she gasped.   
"We do not believe he recognises anything. That is all he says. It is all he has ever said."   
"This is a trick." Susan announced firmly, moving sharply away from the sphere. It had to be a trick. There was no way they could have Marcus' soul. Could they?   
"It is no trick."   
Susan stared at the Soul Hunter. If it was a trick, what did they hope to gain from it? If it wasn't a trick and that really was the soul of that damned noble Ranger, then how did they get it and why would they be giving it back now? The questions filled her mind, swirling around dizzily. And pervading all was the lingering sensation of a love so total and utter that he had given up everything for her.   
Now was not the time to make decisions. She had to think.   
"Secure him." Susan ordered. "And don't let anything happen to that sphere. I shall question him in the morning." 

Daylight was not able to penetrate the cell where the Soul Hunter had been placed. Its location, on the lowest level below the Ranger compound, was in direct relation to the abhorrence the Minbari held for the life form. The thought that one could be entertained, even as a prisoner, had been unthinkable; yet here he was. Hatred and loathing could be felt radiating from most of the Rangers and it was only the fact that Susan had ordered him held that had prevented a number of them from killing him straight out. As it was, only the humans volunteered for guard duty.   
The Soul Hunter appeared unaffected by the less than friendly reception. He sat and surveyed the three women in front of him; separated by a table, as if even they did not want to get any closer than they had to.   
Of the three women, Marie appeared the calmest, saying nothing but absorbing everything. Gathering as much information as she could to be able to understand the situation. Delenn, even with all her diplomatic skills could not quite hide the fear that a lifetime of teaching had instilled in her. She sat away from the table, not wanting to contaminate herself any more than she had to. Susan did not sit. She had spent the night pacing the grounds trying to reason out every possible explanation and outcome. She was unable to keep still.   
"Assuming that this is Marcus' soul," Susan indicated the sphere on the table, "How did you get hold of it?"   
"It was a mistake." The Soul Hunter answered evenly, "He was not supposed to die. Our brother had been sent to collect your soul."   
Susan growled through her teeth, "I've told you; no one is getting my soul."   
"We will respect your wishes." The Soul Hunter conceded with a bow, "But understand, it is a great honour to be selected. Of all the warriors that died in that conflict, only yours was chosen to be preserved. You would have been worshiped for ever."   
She glared at the Soul Hunter. The arrogant bastard was sitting there smugly, assured in the rightness of his cause.   
Susan's anger burned red behind her eyes as she dived across the table to knock the Soul Hunter backwards off his chair. Delenn screamed as they crashed together to the floor, Susan's hands wrapped around the alien's throat. She squeezed as she spat at him.   
"How dare you! Do you think you are God, ripping a piece of someone from them when they die? You are grave-robbing vermin. I should have shot you the moment I saw you. You think it is an honour? But what of the families? Have you ever considered them, thinking that their loved one has gone on to a better place, not knowing that you have imprisoned their soul in a glass prison?"   
"Susan. Stop!" The desperate cry penetrated her wrath. She became aware that Delenn was struggling to loosen her grip before she choked the Soul Hunter to death. "Susan. We need the answers he can give us. We must let him speak."   
As suddenly as they had been placed, Susan withdrew her hands. Turning away from the gasping alien without a word, she strode to the back of the room. She gripped her PPG, but kept it in its holster. She couldn't kill him yet. The answers first, then the pain. Susan paced the width of the room, struggling with her rage.   
Delenn may have stopped the Soul Hunter from being killed, but she did not offer a hand to help him up from the floor. The Minbari only righted the chair and table before retaking her seat and waiting in silence. Marie studied the parties involved with wide eyes, but still did not speak. The only move she had made during the incident had been to catch the soul sphere as it had rolled, momentarily forgotten, from the table. She cradled it in her arms, loath to let it loose into the volatile atmosphere.   
"So how did you end up with Marcus?" Delenn asked the question once the Soul Hunter was seated again.   
"Our brother did not understand the transference of life force. He did not notice the moment of death as it passed from Susan Ivanova to Marcus Cole. He only saw a soul to be preserved. It was later that we discovered the mistake."   
"Was he not worthy of your 'preservation'?" Susan snarled.   
Delenn held up a hand to silence her as she continued the questioning,   
"Why have you brought him to us?"   
"To return the soul." The Soul Hunter explained, "Once, we had recognised that we had mistakenly preserved a whole planet of souls. We investigated to discover if there were any other souls wrongfully taken. Many have been found, and we are attempting to right our wrongs by allowing them some release through other means. Marcus Cole is the only soul so far that we can return to his original body."   
"What!"   
All three spoke together, then swapped looks of confusion, fear and hope. Susan's strength drained from her. The possibility of what was being offered was so incomprehensible that it threatened to overwhelm her. She sat down to listen.   
"It is a exceptional situation," The Soul Hunter continued, "and if any one factor were different, then this would not be possible. We understand that you had the body preserved immediately after death, so there has been no disintegration of its condition. The usual cause of death is the failure of the body either through illness, injury, or natural decay, such that it can no longer sustain the soul. This body has no such deficiency, only a lack of life energy. We believe we are able to replace Marcus Cole's soul within his body and replenish his life energy."   
Silence pervaded the room as the women took in the full meaning of what had been proposed. It was Marie who, after looking at the sphere still in her hands, turned her shining gaze towards the Soul Hunter and breathed with unbelieving wonder and hope,   
"You can bring him back?" 

"We don't even know if it will work." Susan stormed. "It could all be a pack of lies."   
The trio had retreated to Susan's quarters to discuss the proposal. Desperately as Susan wanted to bring Marcus back, she couldn't bring herself to believe that it wasn't just some cruel joke.   
"What reason would he have to lie to us?" Delenn asked.   
"I don't know! I just don't trust that damned race for a second. Do you?"   
Delenn could not disagree. "No I do not trust them. But there appears to be no other motive for him to offer us this soul. Unless it is not Marcus?"   
"It's him." Susan stated, shivering slightly as she remembered the moment when his soul reached out to her mind. "Of that I'm sure."   
"Then the question comes down to if we want to attempt what he is offering."   
Susan looked at the others. Delenn was as outwardly composed as she always was, but Susan knew she was fighting to overcome her distrust to work with the Soul Hunter. She had always felt personally responsible for every life lost and maybe regaining one would atone part of her guilt. Marie sat agitatedly wringing her hands. The younger woman had grasped upon the hope without reservation. Her absolute faith that everything would be all right was what Susan feared would be broken. She did not want to see Marie hurt anymore now that her life was settled with children of her own.   
"I want to do it?" Marie announced; her face set with the decision made.   
Susan sat beside her with a sigh.   
"What if it doesn't work?" She said, voicing the fear that was the foundation of all her apprehension.   
"Then he dies." Marie quietly spoke. "We have lived without him for twenty five years. We have nothing to lose." She took Susan's hand and squeezed it. "I said goodbye to my Father twenty years ago Ni'fa."   
"Are you sure?" Susan asked, realising that, even though Marcus' soul had been offered to her, only Marie's decision was the one that mattered.   
"I want him back." One tear, then another ran down Marie's face. "I want him to know his Grandchildren. He used to tell me, 'always grab a chance and you won't be sorry for a might have been.'"   
Susan looked into the face of the younger woman and saw there the fervour of the teenager she had first met. And the loneliness. She pulled Marie into a hug and heard her whisper through her tears,   
"I want my Dad again." 

A Whitestar was dispatched to bring Stephen and Marcus to Minbar. For a week the compound hummed with activity. The Soul Hunter worked under close guard, supervising the assembly of the device, which he claimed would replace Marcus' soul; whilst a section of the medical facility was closed off. The legend of Marcus, retold and elaborated among the Rangers, had gained a new momentum causing vast numbers to gather, trying to glean information. In the end, Susan had to order everyone that was not involved to be barred from the area.   
Stephen arrived, cryogenic freezer unit in tow, and a thousand questions. When the Soul Hunter refused to answer them, he became very vocal in his disappointment.   
"But Susan!" he complained that evening, "This could be the greatest breakthrough in medical history. To be able to harness the essence of life itself."   
"But it would do you no good." Susan marvelled at her friend's enthusiasm, which had never been quenched, "You could pump as much life energy as you wanted into someone, but it would not be able to heal their body, only sustain their soul. The Soul Hunter told us that every body has a natural life span and nothing is able to extend it."   
"But what about the machine that healed you?"   
Susan scowled. "That cursed machine is beyond anyone's understanding, and this is different. We don't need to heal Marcus, just..." she searched for an appropriate expression, "recharge his batteries. At least that's what I think we're doing."   
"But if we could just boost a patient for a few hours until they begin to heal themselves…"   
"You are still a dreamer Stephen." Susan sighed. "Look. I'll let you question the Soul Hunter as much as you like; after he's done this soul replacement stuff. I don't want you annoying him before we find out if this works."   
"Fine." The doctor reluctantly agreed. "I'll start preparing Marcus for the procedure tomorrow morning."   
They lapsed into silence for a moment. Susan thought back to their first encounter with the Soul Hunters and Stephen's absolute denial in what they claimed they could do.   
"When did you start believing in souls?" Susan could not resist a little dig at her friend.   
"I've always believed in souls," Stephen replied, "Just not that it was something that could be physically captured."   
"So why are you doing this?"   
"Because you asked me to. If you think that this crazy scheme could revive Marcus, then I'll try it."   
"Thank you." Susan whispered. 

The next day, the vigil began. There was at least one, most often two and occasionally all three of the women Marcus had regarded as important to him outside the healing chamber. They watched as Stephen began the long process that could return the Ranger to full life and health.   
First came the 'unfreezing' as Marcus' body was slowly brought up to temperature. This in itself took ten hours with Stephen monitoring everything so that he could connect the life support at just the right moment. The reversal of long term cryogenic freezing, especially on someone that had already 'died' had never been attempted, so every action was critical.   
It was late the first evening when they were ready to transfer Marcus' body from the freezer and onto the operating table. Marie had just returned from putting William and Sofie to bed.   
"They missed their story." She said to Susan.   
"Oh God," Susan groaned. "I'm sorry."   
"It's all right. I told them you were trying to wake up Grandpa."   
"I'll go see them tomorrow." Susan promised.   
Marie smiled and together they turned to watch the frantic bustle of healers and Stephen around the cryogenic freezer. Through the speaker they could hear the doctor barking out orders, then counting down to the lift. Together they heaved and a mass of black material appeared, to be almost flung upon the table. Marcus in full Ranger uniform, just as Susan had ordered it, was lying limp and lifeless, his pale skin a shocking contrast to his black hair and beard.   
"Ventilator." Stephen snapped, and immediately one of the Minbari opened Marcus' mouth and forced a tube down into his windpipe.   
"Open his clothes. Prepare to restart the heart."   
Among the activity, Marie and Susan were motionless. They watched unmoving, hands grasped in solidarity and support for each other.   
"Clear!" Stephen ordered. A second later, he hit the switch that sent a jolt of electricity through the Ranger's body. Marcus jumped, arching up as the muscles involuntarily contracted.   
At the same moment, the watchers flinched. Marie stepped up to the glass, pressing her hands against it to be as close as she could get, sending out her will for her Father to live.   
"Clear!" Stephen barked before the second jolt.   
As the body contorted once more, Susan closed her eyes. She couldn't watch it; not again. She had managed to push back the memories of the medlab staff desperately working on him all those years ago. They had tried to restart his heart then, blasting his body time after time until she had thrown them all out. The whine of the heart monitor had remained stubbornly level then as it was now.   
"Clear!"   
Susan turned and ran blindly out of the room and right into Delenn.   
"Susan?" she asked. "What's wrong?"   
"I can't stay." She pushed past the Minbari, "I can't stand there and watch him die. Not again."   
She ran into the night, not caring where, only stopping when her tears overwhelmed her. Sinking onto a bench, her crying continued until she felt someone settle onto the seat beside her and a hand take her own.   
"Susan. What are you afraid of?" Delenn's calm voice soothed Susan. She looked into the face of the woman, concern written across her features. Susan marvelled at her compassion, always more anxious about others than herself, even after her own troubled life. She never needed to answer the question 'what do you want?' unless it was for someone else. And now she was worried about Susan, Anla'shok Na and terror of Earthforce, who had faced death herself without a second thought.   
"What am I afraid of?" She did not understand the question.   
"Susan, I have known you many years and only in times of personal fear do you become like this. So what are you afraid of? That Marcus will die; or that he will live?"   
Susan stared. "Why would I be afraid that he would live?"   
"Perhaps you are afraid that he will love you." Delenn smiled with understanding, "I know of your betrayals and your losses, but that is no reason to close your heart forever. Allow your self to be loved and you may find yourself loving in return. Recognising your soulmate is the most astounding moment of your life when everything is in perfect unity. Those moments come so rarely, that you must never miss one by refusing to listen."   
Susan knew that Delenn was speaking of Sheridan when she talked of soulmates. They had only been together for twenty years, but she had never lamented that he had been taken from her.   
Was Marcus Susan's soulmate? Would she be able to love him? Would he still love her?   
"But I'm old!" Susan confessed her trepidation.   
"You are not as old as you think." Delenn reassured her, "And souls do not see age. Do not worry on that account. Have courage Susan; you will not have to face this alone."   
"But what if he dies?" Having discussed one possibility, Susan turn to the other, finding that she did not know which one she feared most.   
"If he dies, then we gain the knowledge that his soul is at last free. Marie was correct when she told you that we said goodbye all those years ago."   
"I haven't." Susan admitted. "I couldn't face it at the time. The thought that someone I cared for had again left me…"   
"Then for that reason alone, we must proceed." Delenn said. "You cannot move forward in your life if your spirit is tied to the past. You kept Marcus between life and death because you did not want to life without him and because you are afraid to live with him. This has been unresolved for twenty-five years and you need an ending. You need to take just one of the paths laid before you."   
"But I don't have the choice as to which one."   
"That is as it should be."   
Susan smiled and squeezed the hand in her own.   
"Shall we return?" Delenn inquired. "Marie will be needing you." 

Stephen had been successful in starting Marcus' heart, but it was only the machines that kept it going, along with his breathing.   
"But there is no brain activity." He said.   
"That is because there is no soul." The Soul Hunter stated.   
Stephen shook his head in disbelief that he was still working with the alien. Susan stepped in.   
"When can you replace his soul?" she asked.   
"When the body is ready to accept it. I have begun feeding life energy into Marcus Cole and it will be some hours before that is complete."   
"I also want to ensure that there is no long term damage from the freezing process." Stephen attempted to remain in control of the situation, "It is vital that there is no more strain on his heart."   
And so they watched through the night, the heart monitor bleeping its steady rhythm, counter pointed by the whumph of the ventilator. The Soul Hunter sitting by his device, motionlessly watching the flow of life energy. The sun was rising when he spoke.   
"It is time."   
Stephen was awake in an instant and unfolded himself from the chair where he had slept. He swiftly checked the monitors then groggily organised his staff. Susan had been awake all night and only spoke to order a Ranger to fetch Delenn and Marie. The silence continued when they arrived, communication no longer necessary.   
After a final inspection, Stephen nodded the go ahead to the Soul Hunter. The alien took the glowing soul sphere and placed it into his device. All eyes were breathlessly turned on the sphere. Its glow blazed brighter for a moment, then faded.   
There was a sharp crack. The sphere imploded on itself.   
"What's happened?" Marie almost shouted, panic rising in her eyes. "Ni'Fa?"   
"Shhh." Susan put a supporting arm around Marie, hoping that she would not be able to feel her own heart thumping wildly. "It isn't over yet."   
The seconds slowed indeterminably as they waited for a reaction.   
Nothing seemed to be happening.   
"I have synaptic activity." One of the healers announced.   
"Heartbeat has strengthened." Came from another.   
"And respiration."   
Stephen looked from one monitor to the next in wonder. Taking a small light, he leaned over Marcus and opened one of his eyes. A few seconds later, he announced,   
"Pupils are responsive." Then triumphantly announced, "We have him back!"   
Whoops of joy and congratulatory hugs accompanied the frenzied work as Marcus was disengaged from the respirator and pacemaker.   
But the celebrations were premature. 

"What do you mean, he won't wake up." Susan demanded.   
They were in Stephen's temporary office where the doctor was giving Susan and Marie an update on Marcus.   
"Well he's in there, as far as I can tell. At least all the readings are normal, but he's in a coma."   
"Is it a result of the freezing?" Marie asked.   
"It could be, but when I asked the Soul Hunter if he considered this normal, all he said was, 'this is a tormented soul'."   
"I'll kill him." Susan rose out of her seat. "No wonder they didn't mind giving him back."   
She reached the door before Stephen stopped her,   
"He's gone."   
"What!"   
"Once he'd done what ever it was he did, he left. He seemed quite anxious to get away."   
"I'll bet." Susan growled. "Did he say anything else before he departed?"   
"Only that 'sometimes the souls do not realise that they have been preserved and that this one may not know it has returned to its body'."   
Susan frowned,   
"Are you telling me that Marcus still thinks he is dead?"   
"I don't know what to think." Stephen conceded, "I've done all that I can. Now it's up to him."   
"Would it help if we talked to him?" Marie suggested.   
"It could." Stephen nodded. "It's what is usually suggested in these cases and there has been a significant amount of success recorded."   
Marie looked at Susan,   
"Can I go first?" 

They took turns during the days that followed. Marie chatted away for hours, or read and sang when she ran out of words. She even took William and Sofie, hoping for the same reaction as when Susan had been ill. Marcus' small box of possessions had been unpacked and the photos and books placed by his bedside, ready if he woke up. Noticing this, Susan found the Ranger pin she had safely kept through the long years and added it to the little collection.   
Talking though was a problem for her. Seeing him lying so peaceful, but unnaturally quiet, she could think of nothing to say. She sat and studied his face. He hadn't aged as the rest of them had and it would be a shock to him when he woke up. Especially Marie. She had only been a girl when he left, but now she was grown up, older even than Marcus, with children of her own.   
Would it be better if he didn't wake up? Susan wondered if it would be kinder to not bring him into a world where he would have twenty-five years of catching up to do. Having to see friends aged and to probably watch them die long before his own time came. Would it be fair to put him through that?   
'What am I doing?' Susan suddenly thought to herself. 'I'm thinking about leaving him between life and death again. I'm still afraid that he will live.'   
She looked up then at the sound of padding feet. Sofie ran into the room, clutching a book.   
"Grandma!" the little girl cried as Susan picked her up, "There was a monster following me!"   
"There are no monsters in Tuzanor." Susan soothed her granddaughter. "It was probably the wind. What are you doing here? You should be asleep. Isn't your Daddy back tomorrow?"   
Sofie nodded, "You didn't read us a story again."   
"I'm sorry, but your Mummy explained what we are doing."   
Sofie nodded again. Susan settled her into a more comfortable position and pulled a blanket around her. The little girl had braved the dark to find her. For that, she deserved a story.   
"So," Susan said, "What story did you bring?"   
She looked at the title of the book. Sleeping Beauty.   
"But you heard this not long ago." Susan was surprised. "Surely you don't want to hear it again?"   
"I want Grandpa to hear it."   
"Why?" Susan was intrigued.   
"So that he knows he has to wake up."   
Susan laughed, "But we don't have a princess to kiss him."   
"You're the princess."   
Susan was so astounded by this direct simple statement that for a moment she didn't know what to say.   
"I would have thought that Delenn was the princess."   
Sofie shook her head determinedly. "En'til'zha is the queen. You are the princess."   
Susan marvelled at the reasoning of children as she opened the book and started to read. Sofie fell asleep before the end and Susan contacted Marie so she could collect her wandering daughter.   
Once alone she thought over what Sofie had said. Could she do something to make Marcus wake up? She had been the reason he had given up his life and it had been her his soul had called out to. Perhaps he was waiting for her to call him back.   
The two paths were in front of her and she had the chance to choose.   
Gently she leaned over the still form of the man that had saved her life. Quietly she spoke the words she knew she had wanted to say all along.   
"I love you Marcus. Please come back to me."   
Then she lowered her head and placed her lips on his in a soft kiss. 

End. 

------------------------------------   
So that's it. Did I manage to find a logical and original way to bring Marcus back? Thanks for sticking with me everyone and thanks for all the lovely reviews (Red Wulf, Natters, etc.). Keep them coming. I've had so much fun writing this. I'm sorry I've left you on another cliff hanger, but I do have plans for the sequel, I just need a title that begins with 'Re..' Any suggestions? 

If anyone out there wants to use the character of Marie, feel free. Just let me know so I can make sure you're not doing anything uncharacteristic with her. 

Big bottles of virtual Brivari to you all. I hope to meet up again sometime. 

* * *

"True Magic is done with the mind and the spirit. Chants and potions are just a way to focus the magic, but they will not work without the magic of your spirit. Every wizard that you may encounter has a vast imagination, and a mind that can fly free. You still have that great gift. When you go home, you can use your imagination to see this world and us. Your mind is free from all bounds. You can travel anywhere, meet anyone and do anything, all within your mind. That is the first gateway to magic." - Nala, Wizard of_ T'Tenneb_. 

* * *

Any comments to hilaryweston@hotmail.com 

Ranger Hilary. 


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